Where to Take Girls on Dates by Tyler Tarver

once upon a time there was a boy.  and there was also Tyler Tarver.  who is a man.  how do i know?  because he’s already breeding offspring.  he also gave birth to a book.  a book with the most cleverest of all book titles, Words & Sentences.  a book that will in turn breed happy thought bubbles in your brain if you read it.  and that’s not weird or creepy or anything.  i know, cuz’ i read it.  my daughter is drawing pictures of herself reading it.  see?

okay, so that’s the one she drew of Tyler putting video biscuits in the oven and might have my electric bill sticking out the top.  whatever.  get the book.

then enjoy his guest post.  or thought bubbles of doubt and self-loathing will get in your brain.

You know, no you don’t because I haven’t told you, but you know what else? Sharideth is a chick. I was thinking to myself, while girls may statistically be shorter than men and can do a significantly less amount of pushups, they still like to be taken on dates.

Here are some potential date ideas to help out all the dudes Sharideth assists like Kobe never does.

The Movies: Are you kidding me? Chicks hate this. I mean, who likes the movies? No one. We can do better.

The Fair: Close your eyes and take in that smell. It’s a mix of funnel cake powder, carnie, and urine. How is a girl supposed to breathe in an atmosphere like that? By getting closer to you and your Dakkar cologne. You also get the chance to show her your hammer wielding skills when smashing that meter smash game. Their primal instincts are to go with you, Thor, because you’re a marvel of a man who can bust a meter better than Young MC can bust a move.

The Park: Oh yeah, you already know. Take that chick here and have a picnic, that way, when she’s all like oh my goodness, it’s so hot out here in the sun, you can be all like oh baby girl, that’s not the sun that’s me, you get it, cause I’m so hot. Boom, you’ve got her in your pocket cause now she’s realizing that you’re so attractive you cause her physical discomfort, which is what we in the cauldron business call: the jackpot.

The Concert: I just have one question with one word italicized for you: How can this not be the best date ever? Think about it, no seriously, take 20 minutes to think about it and come back. Welcome back. This is an awesome date because the music is so loud you don’t have to listen to her talk about clothes or her BFFs or Hello Kitty or fixing sandwiches or whatever it is women blab on about. Just tell her you can’t hear her over Li’l Wayne’s elegant and sophisticated musical discourse.

Well, now that you’ve heeded my advice, be prepared to get married because you are now undoubtedly Mormon cause I just got you like 30 chicks.

You’re welcome Sharideth and other chicks.

What’re some other lovely date ideas that never ever ever go wrong that ladies just love?

Tyler Tarver is tall but shorter than you’d think. You can check out his website tylertarver.com, subscribe to it here, check him on Twitter at @tylertarver, or just buy his brand new toilet book he won’t shutup about titled Words&Sentences that 4 people have said is “funnier than sliced bread.” He’s not as attractive as you, but he sure does love you.

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38 comments on “Where to Take Girls on Dates by Tyler Tarver

  1. How about….

    Church: Because what could be more romantic than whispering sweet nothings in her ear while Jesus is giving her wounded looks from the cross and the older woman everyone calls Auntie Alice is frowning disapprovingly and preparing her after-church sermon for you and your prospective girlfriend?

  2. Tamara says:

    The Sporting Event. Sure, there are three girls who really enjoy this. But the rest of us will spend the whole time watching the play clock count down, wishing it were polite to drink more than two beers on a first date, and composing Tweets in our heads to let 1,354 people know how lame this dude is for taking us on a date only he can possibly enjoy.

  3. Matt Gates says:

    I just can’t get over the fact that a math teacher would use the word “amount” instead of the word “number” to describe something that can be counted; ie, push-ups*.

    Also, I like to take girls out to where we can overhear people talking and make fun of their dangling participles.

    *Except when I do them. You couldn’t touch a number that high with an overclocked TI-82.

  4. Ally Spotts says:

    If the girl you’re dating wants to talk about hello kitty and her BFFs all the time, the fact that you couldn’t think of a cool place to take her on a date is probably the least of your problems…

    Ha. No, seriously. Concert is a good suggestion. Had a guy cook me dinner on the roof of an abandoned warehouse one time, that was cool. Afterwards we climbed a billboard and watched the sunset. Points for memorability, even if he wasn’t a soul mate.

    I also like the idea of doing an activity together, especially if it’s embarrassing. Kayaking. Rock climbing. Dancing.

    Oh wait, are we looking for real suggestions or just being funny…? Cause I’m no good at the funny thing…

  5. Mcdonald’s is a hot spot for dates along with hunting, ufc fights, monster truck shows, swimsuit fashion shows and comic book conventions. Not talkig from personal experiences here, not at all….

  6. I’m upset that Tyler Tarver is currently giving away all of the long-held secrets of the cauldron business.

  7. While you’re at the symphonic winds concert don’t fail to take in all of Lil Wayne’s wonderful relationship advice.

  8. ‘Concert’ can be an awesome suggestion. One of my best nights out *ever* was when a guy took me to see a punk band that he was friendly with. It was in a seriously dodgy area of town, and I was advised to wear my best running shoes in case things ‘kicked off’ and we had to run for it! It was a brilliant night, with the guy in question acting as my personal bouncer and saving me from being stamped to death in the mosh pit. I also got to meet a regular follower of the band whose fake eye kept falling out so he eventually took it out and dropped it into his beer glass so he didn’t lose it, and it stayed clean.

    All in all, one of the best nights out I’ve ever had – as a date or just as a night out. The guy was impressed that I was having a good time, and I was surprised how much fun it was. I still look back on it and grin.

    So whether you’re going to a concert so you can’t hear her inane chat, or whether you think she’ll genuinely like it, it can work.

    Or am I just weird?

  9. Jamie says:

    What about instead of “the” fair, he takes me to a job fair?

    Because he did.

    It was a stop on the way to an out-of-town concert. This is how I also learned he was unemployed. And living with his mom. At age 29.

  10. Brynn says:

    One of my favorite “date night” suggestions from my boyfriend is “how about i bring over some of my groceries and you can cook dinner for us?”. And then he shows up with turkey cutlets (seriously) and a bag of spinach.

    It’s great because it’s just like being taken out to a restaurant because he paid for the groceries. Except there are a lot of differences.

  11. […] location for the best advice I’ve or anyone’ve ever given is over at Sharideth’s farm, where she gives advice to dudes and even chicks and animals and birds and stuff. You really do […]

  12. Regan says:

    A guy once took me to play laser tag. And that was kinda neat. Although he then made fun of me for shooting this little kid about 20 times…

  13. Hayley says:

    I had a guy plan a double date where we challenged the other couple to Wii Sports. He set up a huge projector screen in my living room. He made me wear eye black, braught gatorade, and I was required to wear blue while the other couple showed up in red. I was recovering from ACL surgery and wanted to play sports so he brought sports to me. This was all very thoughtful and fun until…

    I offered him some dessert. He told me he was fasting. I asked him if it was for something in particular or just practicing the spiritual disciplines (which I have nothing against). He said he wanting clarity on the direction of our relationship. It was our second date.

    Does this make me a jerk for posting?

  14. Jennifer C. says:

    Any place will do especially if afterwards the dude makes fun of chick’s glasses and the fact that the restaurant is attached to a snobby mall for pretentious rich people.

    I do not apologize for my run-on sentence. It was that bad of a date. I mean, I’m sure that poor girl had an awful time.

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