how to survive a breakup

getting dumped sucks harder than a Dyson.  pretty much the only thing you have control over is how much and how long it’s going to suck.  that’s entirely up to you.

here’s my Breakup Survival Guide to help you out:

  1. do not call her.  do not pass go.  do not collect $100.  stay out of I Got Dumped jail by making it a clean break. 
  2. do not answer the phone or reply to her texts.  if she ended it, do not allow her to drag it out by taking her calls.  send her a nice, short email or text and ask her not to contact you for a while.  like a couple of months.  give yourself a break and allow the emotional dust to settle.
  3. do not stalk her on Facebook.  when she breaks up with you, the last thing you need to see are pictures of her sitting on some other guy’s lap.  delete her dumping butt if you have to.  it’s not mean, it’s for your own good. 
  4. date.  date.  date.  date.  i know your heart is busted.  i get it.  but you need to not wallow.  taking a new girl to the movies won’t kill you.  just don’t talk to her about your ex-girlfriend.
  5. do dude stuff.  hang with your boys.  get season tickets to something, anything.  just get back to being a guy for a while.  you got dumped, not neutered.
  6. don’t go to places you know she’ll be.  give her some space.  am i condoning avoidance?  yes.  it will just make things awkward for you and everybody else.  if it’s something that can’t be avoided, put a smile on your face and act like you just won the lottery.  have a good time (pretend like you are) and even say “hey!  good to see you.” in a tone of voice you would use for anyone you haven’t seen in a while.  then walk away.

the key is going to be to pretend like you’re okay, until one day you wake up and you really will be.  it’s the end of a relationship, not the end of the world.  there’s no need to call in Ben Affleck.

what else should be on the list?  hit me with #7…..

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27 comments on “how to survive a breakup

  1. Mandy Rausch says:

    I’ve got a friend going through a breakup right now (she was the dumpee) and she’s heartbroken that he has deleted her on Facebook and that his family is no longer contacting her. I keep trying to tell her that’s the mess of a breakup…it’s not often you get the luxury of still hanging out with his family and being BFF with him once you are no longer together. She could read a few of these and learn some things…

    • Jessi says:

      Mandy–however the breakup happened, props to the dude for creating distance instead of trying to be “the nice guy”. There’s nothing worse than getting dumped, and then having the dude stick around as a constant reminder of something awesome that you don’t get to have. Adds insult to injury. Feeling like he’s avoiding you is tough, but not as tough as when he hangs around.

  2. Use discretion with your dude stuff. If you get season tickets to the Twilight Ballet on Ice, I’m revoking your man card.

  3. But, but….what if I want to call in Ben Affleck to do dude stuff with? Can we call in Ben Affleck then?

    Although, I’d probably rather call in Adam Baldwin, for doing dude stuff. Plus, if his co-star Yvonne Strahovsky isn’t seeing anyone, maybe he could hook a brother up for the date. date. date. date. item of the list too. I think we have a good unrealistic plan here.

  4. heather joy says:

    I really liked #4 and #5.

    #7 – if you’re the “dumped,” don’t text her to ask her if she’s changed her mind, and has decided to get back together with you.

    the answer’s no.

  5. G Fresh says:

    Start a new hobby; something that will take a lot of time and concentration to master and that maybe you’ve wanted to try for awhile, but didn’t have time to because you were in a relationship. 😉

    Examples:

    Learning an instrument
    Painting
    Taking a cooking class
    Gardening
    Working out
    Underwater basket weaving
    Snipe hunting
    Cow tipping

    Whatever floats your boat really.

    • Ha. Once upon a time, I used to play a text-based online sci fi game in which Underwater Basket Weaving was one of the available skills. Those of us who remained active for a few years tended to gather more skill points than we had any real use for, so over time many people from several worlds became Legendary Underwater Basket Weavers. It was a running joke amongst the veterans of the game. I seem to recall that an admin even once ran an event in which achieving victory required one or more characters to exercise their Underwater Basket Weaving skills. 🙂

      So there you go. Learn Underwater Basket Weaving in case you ever have to save a planet of sentient alien fish from certain death.

  6. Joseph says:

    Good advice, Sharideth. You said, in greater detail, what I try to say in one phrase when friends get broken up with – when it’s over, it’s over. I learned from experience back in college that the worst thing you can do after a breakup is try to rekindle the relationship or move back into the friend zone.

  7. Jenn says:

    1. Do not get drunk in the “healing” process – seriously – yes good get fixed up and have some fun – but no getting drunk. IF you must – hand over your cellphone, seriously. That goes for the months following – no sense drunk texting 6 months letter to say you miss them.

    2. Do not before you delete the dumper from your FB post statuses like “I am never going to be able to do ____.” One guy I “dated” more accurately talked to via the interwebs – I moved on because well where to started and about a week later there was this status from him about never having kids because it was over between us – dramatic much?

    3. Be the good one, it is so much better to politely get your stuff and then go drown your sorrows with Lady Antebellum until the mere sound of any of their music makes you want to slap yourself out of your funk – and you’re cured. There nothing you need to apologize for other than making your roommate’s ears bleed from the sound.

    4. Self Care – I know this is the time when you want to go days without bathing, watching Pretty in Pink or whatever and only eat pizza (if you can you lucky non-celiacs) – BUT actually it is the time to bath, sleep regularly, exercise and eat well – a therapist would call this self care – I call it these things will make you feel better rather than exacerbating your funk.

    • Jenn says:

      I would also add – do not make your mutual friends pick a side. Seriously – DO NOT. Whether they were your friends “before” or as a result of the relationship – they were not the two people in the relationship – it was you and your once significant other.

      • Jamie says:

        Amen Jenn. My friends just broke up and I asked her (my “1st” friend) whether I had to break up with him too.

        He’s an excellent WWF opponent.

    • As a note on the politely getting your stuff, if you have reason to believe the person may be violent or obstructive in your attempt to get your stuff (including destroying your things), it is extremely unwise to go alone. Don’t be confrontational and don’t use the opportunity as a means to get back at or embarrass the ex, but do take backup/witnesses. If you think the risk is significant of attack on your or your things, contact your local police and explain that you need to retrieve your things from an ex’s house and but believe there is a risk he/she might do harm to you or your property, and ask if it is possible to have a policeman present and what your correct legal procedure should be.

      • Jenn says:

        I completely agree – I meant it in a don’t use it as a chance to grovel or start a fight – just pick it up and leave the situation alone – if you cannot do that then yes send a neutral party

  8. Don’t try to impress her with your superior survival skills.

    Sending a skinned squirrel through the post is somewhat frowned upon.

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