stop apologizing

ya know how people tell you guys that the only thing you have to do to have a successful relationship is to always say, “i’m sorry.  you’re right.” regardless of whether either of those things are true?  yeah, i’m going to throw the BS flag.

don’t get me wrong.  apologizing is a necessary element of any healthy relationship.  but apologizing just to keep the peace, is not.  that is one-sided and spineless. 

how do you know if you’re with a girl who will do this to you?  the ramp up can be subtle.

the 3 levels of emasculation hell:

1.  guilt – she’ll start by making you feel guilty for inconveniencing her in any way.  you’ll be apologizing, but you really won’t know why.

2.  preemptive apology – you’ll begin to realize that you may have just done something she won’t like and prepare your apology ahead of time.

3.  concession – no matter what she’s upset about, you will apologize without even giving it much thought.  you’ve been beaten.

no.  no.  no.  no.  no.  no.  no.

apologies, real apologies, should be sincere, not done at emotional gun point.  you should know why your apologizing and truly feel sorry.

a forced apology means nothing.

i am a big fan of working out misunderstanding.  do that.  talk.  come to a meeting of the minds.  but do not, under any circumstances, say you are sorry for something you didn’t do.

you can apologize if you did something or came across in a way you didn’t intend.  that is perfectly fine.  consider it a teachable moment.  what you should not do is roll over like some useless cocker spaniel and offer up your nether regions for kicking.

having an apology demanded of you when you did nothing to apologize for is unreasonable and controlling.  feel free to say, “hang on a minute, that’s not how that went and you know it.”  and she does know it.  make no mistake.  this is a power play.  it may not be making you kneel and kiss her ring, but the intent is the same.  submission.

to her.

don’t do it.

have you ever apologized for something you didn’t do just to stop the drama?


15 comments on “stop apologizing

  1. Riggs says:

    yes, all the time.

  2. you can always give the “I’m sorry that you’re offended” half-apology.

  3. Mandie Marie says:

    I once dated a guy and spent the majority of time apologizing for bringing up stuff that he should be apologizing for. “Dude, this stuff you said was douchey and made me feel like crap.” “Well it’s because blah blah blah. And I can’t believe you said that I was doing something wrong. It hurts my feelings.” “Oh I’m so sorry for hurting you. You’re right. I’m a terrible girlfriend.” He continued to be a douche and I was his doormat.

    Stop apologizing for stuff you shouldn’t be apologizing for.

  4. Jenn says:

    I have – I work in a service based industry, so I apologize all the time for stuff I shouldn’t be just to make the peace.

    However, in a relationship, the crazy ex aside, it is always a huge red flag if I find myself like Mandie did apologizing for stuff that wasn’t apology worthy. You are right Ms. Sharideth, work it out – calm and cool with “I” phrases and you should be able to right the ship

  5. Brian says:

    I’ve been told I apologized too much. I was apologizing for things I couldn’t control. Now I just bite my lip until I know I’m to blame.

  6. I had a girlfriend break up with me over this.

    “You’re a pushover. And I don’t want to date a pushover, nor do I want to be the one to push you over.”

    I think I apologized about that.

    • Well at least she had the decency to dump you over it instead of using it to her advantage and stomping all over you. ‘Cos plenty of ’em would!

      Unless the woman is a Control Freak Mega-bitch who gets off on that sort of thing, someone saying sorry all the time for no reason at all is really annoying. I’ve had both friends and boyfriends like that in the past and it makes me want to slap them and tell them to grow a spine. Which would probably have been a really bad way to handle it, sine they would have apologised for me slapping them, but that’s what was running through my head!

  7. Jeff says:

    Guilty. I apologize to stop drama. Maybe it’s a Canadian thing…

  8. heather joy says:

    I’m guilty of this. sorry.

    sorry for saying sorry.

    it drove my ex-boyfriend up the wall. and I think I did it to avoid confrontation or arguing over petty stuff. Not really sure though.

    Regardless, I’m over it now. almost completely.

  9. jennw2ns says:

    My family has a genetic case of the “sorries” and the superfluous “thank yous.” (Maybe the first one also had to do with playing a lot of that one board game . . . ) I’ve been working on these, but it can be tough. I completely agree that it’s annoying and unhelpful, though.

    Reminds me of “Back for Good” (, a song which always made me want to punch “Take That” (take that!) for being vague and conciliatory and probably not really sorry about their sung apology.

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