this particular question comes from someone i know well. and by well, i mean has spent Thanksgiving in my house and slept on my floor. so if it sounds like i know stuff you don’t and am taking liberties, i do and i am.
Am I being controlled or just think I am?
Every heard of the 7 year itch? Well I have the 7 month itch. Or 4 month…I don’t do well in relationships and I’ve come to the conclusion it’s because I’m feeling trapped, controlled, forced to do things. Now this is funny because I’m a control freak, so I’m doing most of the planning etc., but when I think of it, I think I am sometimes.
Like having to ask permission to go see a friend on my off day. But I don’t need permission to do what I want. I am a “free spirt” and have a hard time with irrational authority. If there’s a good reason for me not to do something, I won’t, otherwise…why can’t I just do errands without checking in? I already told you I’m shopping for food and have doc appointments, so why do you need to know my every move?
Is he checking in or watching my every move? I guess its a boundary/freedom issue; hence why when I feel like I’m being herded like cows to the slaughter house, I get that wild look in my eyes and want to bolt.
I’m torn between these things. To me its a fine line? Am I over reacting?
Sharideth’s Friend You Don’t Know But She Does
are you a control freak? yes. do you have a tendency to overreact, especially if things don’t go as you think they should? can i get a y to the e a h? or shall we just make that a straight up “oh hell yeah”? all of the above? nailed it? oh and honey child, you don’t just have a problem with irrational authority. anybody who tries to tell you what to do is going to get a big ol’ dose of talktothehanditis.
okay, i’ll stop. that said, i am concerned about his need to know where you are and what you’re doing all the time. that is controlling behavior. having to ask permission to go hang with a friend is not normal. nor is it healthy. same with having to list out your errands.
what is healthy is allowing him first dibs on your time off OR making sure you give him the courtesy of advanced notice if you’re going to hang with friends. this will help him feel more secure and possibly curb some of the controlling behavior. controlling behavior doesn’t necessarily mean a controlling person. it can mean an insecure person.
and i know you, doll face. if you feel pinched, you’re going to not just balk, but kick the crap out of the imaginary fences you think someone is trying to lock you into. you fight first, listen later.
so here’s my suggestion…
for now, calm down. give him the benefit of the doubt. try giving him fair warning about how you’re going to spend your time and ask him if he had something in mind already. do not throw down and go all “i don’t have to ask permission” on him. you don’t have to ask permission, but you do have to respect the relationship you’ve committed to.
if he continues the controlling behavior once you’ve given him no reason to be insecure and stopped being combative, then it’s time to get concerned.
although mild, this behavior can be indicative of an abuser and i don’t want to make light of that. however, knowing your “free spirit” as i do, the odds of that compared to him being insecure and you overreacting are pretty small.
chill out. communicate. let him have his say and try to work on a compromise.
all my love,
okay my brilliant readers, what did i miss? what would you say to my friend?
now don’t you wish you knew me in person so i could gnaw on you like rawhide?