our newest entry in the Glossary of Girls is Lucy. Charlie Brown is never going to kick her football.
he’ll connect right about never ever. oh but he will try. against the advice of everyone else.
you see, all the other Peanuts know Chuck is never going to kick that ball. he’s going try to put it through the uprights, but always end up landing on his giant head. we’ve all met a Lucy. but just in case you need a refresher course, Lucy is…
- socially functional – she knows how to handle herself with others. people like her (some), but are just a little afraid of her.
- relatively wise – at the very least, she’s got your number. though sometimes her insight can be truly spot on. except for when it’s not. that’s when things get all Inception.
- attractive – and she knows it. makes no excuses for her hottness. it just is what it is.
- has a Little Red-Haired Girl – to hate of course. because Little Red-Haired Girl is well loved and probably better looking. it’s really hard to one-up a ginger, let’s be honest. Lucy will also tell you that Little Red-Haired Girl will laugh at you in the face if you give her a Valentine. you may never kick her ball, but she doesn’t really want you to kick anyone else’s either.
- has a Schroeder – this is who she really wants. she’d let him kick her ball anytime. unfortunately for her, Schroeder sees her for what she is and would rather eat glass. this is driving her Tara Reid crazy and she takes it out on you.
- has a sign – sometimes she’s in. sometimes she’s not. when she is available, you’re going to pay. ready for the brutal? when she’s out, she’s chasing Schroeder. when she’s in, she’s licking her wounds by torturing you.
- universally mistrusted by your friends – dummy.
as Judge Judy would say, “Get where I’m going?”
you = Lucy’s ego stroke when she strikes out yet again with the piano player of her heart. you’re like Linus’ blanket for her. only (hopefully) washed more often.
how do you stop being her nasty blanket?
- don’t pick up your rotary wall phone. or your cell. whatever. you have no obligation to be available to her.
- stop freaking believing her. YOU. ARE. NEVER. GOING. TO. KICK. HER. BALL. put that on a sign. then staple it to your forehead.
- stop landing on your head. she can’t put you down if you don’t let her yank your balls.
you heard me.
move on. man up. go freaking sweep Little Red-Haired Girl off her too tiny feet. at least she’s nice and won’t constantly toy with you under the guise of personal growth. for the record, nobody is going to fault you for not pursuing the manish Peppermint Patty.
ever had your ball/s yanked? how’d that work out for you?
girls, honesty time, every had a testosterone laden security blanket?
talk to someone in a Peanuts’ teacher voice today and report back.