Lucy + Football = It’s Humiliation, Charlie Brown

note the smile

our newest entry in the Glossary of Girls is Lucy.  Charlie Brown is never going to kick her football.

he’ll connect right about never ever.  oh but he will try.  against the advice of everyone else.

you see, all the other Peanuts know Chuck is never going to kick that ball.  he’s going try to put it through the uprights, but always end up landing on his giant head.  we’ve all met a Lucy.  but just in case you need a refresher course, Lucy is…

  1. socially functional – she knows how to handle herself with others.  people like her (some), but are just a little afraid of her.  
  2. relatively wise – at the very least, she’s got your number.  though sometimes her insight can be truly spot on.  except for when it’s not.  that’s when things get all Inception.
  3. attractive – and she knows it.  makes no excuses for her hottness.  it just is what it is.
  4. has a Little Red-Haired Girl – to hate of course.  because Little Red-Haired Girl is well loved and probably better looking.  it’s really hard to one-up a ginger, let’s be honest.  Lucy will also tell you that Little Red-Haired Girl will laugh at you in the face if you give her a Valentine.  you may never kick her ball, but she doesn’t really want you to kick anyone else’s either.
  5. has a Schroeder – this is who she really wants.  she’d let him kick her ball anytime.  unfortunately for her, Schroeder sees her for what she is and would rather eat glass.  this is driving her Tara Reid crazy and she takes it out on you.
  6. has a sign – sometimes she’s in.  sometimes she’s not.  when she is available, you’re going to pay.  ready for the brutal?  when she’s out, she’s chasing Schroeder.  when she’s in, she’s licking her wounds by torturing you.
  7. universally mistrusted by your friends – dummy.

as Judge Judy would say, “Get where I’m going?”

if not…

you = Lucy’s ego stroke when she strikes out yet again with the piano player of her heart.  you’re like Linus’ blanket for her.  only (hopefully) washed more often.

how do you stop being her nasty blanket?

  1. don’t pick up your rotary wall phone.  or your cell.  whatever.  you have no obligation to be available to her.
  2. stop freaking believing her.  YOU.  ARE.  NEVER.  GOING.  TO.  KICK.  HER.  BALL.  put that on a sign.  then staple it to your forehead.
  3. stop landing on your head.  she can’t put you down if you don’t let her yank your balls.

you heard me.

move on.  man up.  go freaking sweep Little Red-Haired Girl off her too tiny feet.  at least she’s nice and won’t constantly toy with you under the guise of personal growth.  for the record, nobody is going to fault you for not pursuing the manish Peppermint Patty.

question time:

ever had your ball/s yanked?  how’d that work out for you?

girls, honesty time, every had a testosterone laden security blanket?


talk to someone in a Peanuts’ teacher voice today and report back.


25 comments on “Lucy + Football = It’s Humiliation, Charlie Brown

  1. 1. it’s Linus’ blanket, not Pigpen’s. Sorry if that ruins half your post.
    2. Are you gonna do a post on Peppermint Patty next?
    3. The one time she didn’t yank the ball away, ol’ Chuck missed it anyways. Way to be there, dude!

  2. JBen says:

    Wow. This was very insightful. Nice work!

    I have a question: What percentage of girls do this intentionally and what percentage have no idea that they are yanking the balls?

    I have definitely gotten myself into these situations and I had to do some serious convincing (songwriting) to break it off.

  3. jessi says:

    Well to be honest…I had plenty of charlie browns…combined they made the perfect man. I got a little of something from all of them. They only @crossed. My mind when the one I was with wasn’t doing what I wanted or needed. Then I found the man that combined all of them. My charlies haven’t crossed my mind since.
    I think girls need charlies.. but I don’t think they neeed to. Be tortured by ball tugging.. and believe it or not..I’m still friends with most of my charlies. And I love them all bc they helped me figure out what I wanted in a man.I wasn’t a serial dater I was a serial ball mover… lol

  4. You’re my Lucy in WWF.

  5. Jamie says:

    I had a security blanket many moons ago and then realized how annoying I was to everyone around me, but the blanket. I decided I wanted to Betty not Veronica. Or Ariel.

    Both skanks.

  6. You completely discount the possibility that Charlie may actually get his cookies by enduring/enjoying the humiliation heaped upon him by his Lucies. Not me, of course, just sayin’.

  7. Lynne says:

    I am definitely a Peppermint Patty to a Charlie Brown…
    You should do a post on how to stop being a Peppermint Patty.

  8. jennw2ns says:

    Answer to your final question: yes.

    BUT (not that this justifies it in any way), guys do this to girls, too. And girls also let them.

  9. […] Once you get learned with that, learn some more from Sharideth and her crack (emphasis on “crack”) analysis of the Peanuts gang. […]

  10. Drowsy Rebel says:

    Brilliant post! Just found this blog (to be bookmarked, for sure). I love the peanuts to death. In life, I am a Linus van Pelt, but I am absolutely hopeless when it comes to girls, so I am Charlie in that respect. I’ve been Charlie quite a few times. I

    am still a Charlie.

    Whyyyy?? Once, just once. Kick. That. Effing. Ball!

  11. […] know this post had nothing to do with relationships, so if you need a fix, read It’s Humiliation, Charlie Brown!  that ought to do the trick and is season appropriate. GA_googleAddAttr("AdOpt", "1"); […]

  12. Drowsy Rebel says:

    lol, thanks for the feedback! A lot has happened since I found this blog, and I only found it again this morning. I think I’ve finally embraced The Sallys and it’s working fine for me. Before that I confronted the Lucy, and true to this post, there was indeed a Shroeder! So a few depressed weeks and that’s over…

    Oh, I’m also now a Literature in English teacher at Secondary School (age 21), so I’m living up to my Linusness! I’ll also heed the advise about putting the blanket in the laundry… I -am- a Linus after all… 🙂

  13. […] she’s using you – happens more than you might think.  you’re her security blanket.  keeping you and your admiration around makes her feel better about herself.  oh yes.  it’s the height of selfishness.  being the nice guy you are, you will stick around way longer than you should because “she needs you.”  bullshizzle.  what she needs is to grow up and stop sucking other people you dry to suit her own end.  that end being where she runs back to you to refill her tank when the guy she really wants has bolted.  like Lucy. […]

  14. […] Charlie Fucking Brown, folks.  My boss still asks me occasionally whether I’m happy with my job, probably because he […]

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