4 Things Genesis Taught Me About Getting the Girl – A guest post by Ben Emerson

Ben Emerson is ambitious.  or delusional.  i’m not quite sure.  anyhoo, he’s reading through the entire bible and blogging daily about what he learns.  it’s actually kind of fabulous.  he’s only in exodus 4 right now, so go catch up.  you can also follow his tweeting prowess.

enjoy.  or face me.

4 Things Genesis Taught Me About Getting the Girl
Many people approach the Bible in order to answer angsty existential questions about the meaning of life and death and God and heaven and such. Those are all well and good, but did you know the Bible addresses far more pressing questions like, “How can I get a date?” and, “Do these sandals make my ankles look leprous?”

Seriously folks, that thing is a treasure trove of sagely relationship advice. How have we been missing it all these years?

I am getting married in the fall and let me tell you, if I had known these simple, life-changing secrets, we would have been “making great nations” a LONG time ago! So without further ado, I give you:

How to Get The Girl: 4 Lessons from Genesis.

1) Go to Sleep.

“What? Go to sleep? How in the world is that going to help me get the girl?”

Well, meet my friend, Adam. He was livin’ the high life as God’s zookeeper but was striking with the ladies. This was mostly due to the fact that the population of ladies was pretty low. Like, zero.

So God made him sleep, put on a fantastic display of Frankensteinian genius by removing Adam’s rib, and voila! God made Woman! Take that eHarmony!

Now, usually when you fall asleep and someone performs surgery on you without your knowledge, you wake up in a bathtub full of ice and missing a kidney. But Adam woke up in a lush garden next to a beautiful naked woman.

Then they got married and lived happily ever after. The End.

2) Be Honest.

Sometimes us guys are afraid to just come out and say what we think and what we want. We don’t want to come across as too eager or pushy since this might scare the lady away.

Let’s take a lesson from Jacob. He had worked his butt off for seven years so he could be with Rachel. That is pretty impressive all on its own. But what is even more impressiver is how he asked her father for permission.

““Give me my wife that I may go in to her, for my time is completed.”

See that? He is so honest about what he wants! It takes a brave man to go up to a girl’s father and declare his desire to “know her biblically!”

And here’s the kicker: it works so well that he gets two wives out of it!

For some reason the song from the “Doublemint Gum” commercials just popped into my head.

3) If at first you don’t succeed . . .

Nothing says “I cherish and celebrate the wonderful, beautiful woman you are” like marrying a girl for the sole purpose of making your parents like you. Really, there is nothing like it. Try it sometime.

Esau tried it twice and finally caught on that his parents weren’t too fond of the Canaanite women he was bringing home. So he wised up and found a nice cousin girl from his own people to marry.

Smoooooooth.

I’ll bet the dinner conversations were full of all kinds of bitter racist glee!

4) Go to Extremes

Girls love guys who are willing to go to the ends of the earth for them. Therefore, by the transitive property or something weird like that, girls should love guys who are willing to do something crazy like, oh I don’t know, circumcise themselves and every man in their city in order to win their affection.

Ladies, back me up here. Am I right or am I right?

Dinah’s brothers told Shechem that he would have to do this to himself and all the men of his city if he wanted to marry her. And he did it. That dude was committed!

Did he get the girl? Well, no but he does get an “A” for effort.

Turns out that whole thing was a trick because once all the guys in the city had their, um, junk in a funk, Dinah’s brothers came through and slaughtered them.

It was a good one!

And that is my list. Did I miss any?
Ladies, would any of these work on you? Be honest!

Fellas, you’re welcome.

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23 comments on “4 Things Genesis Taught Me About Getting the Girl – A guest post by Ben Emerson

  1. nateaton says:

    loved it Ben. Absolutely loved it. Not about to take the advice for the most part though.

    • JBen says:

      What?! After all that work? That was months of studying that you are just going to ignore! For Shame! See if you ever get married . . . oh, wait.

      • @Ben, great post but I gotta go with Nate on this one. I think A dozen red roses will go farther with a woman rather than a dozen bloody foreskins – but that’s just me.

        However, there is the old adage of “Attracting more flies with honey than with vinegar” – but then again a dead muskrat attracts a lot of flies too. I guess either method would work especially if the foreskins were arranged in a collage or something.

  2. Sheradith, great guest post today! That “Ben guy” is pretty good – I tweeted the post!

  3. tyler says:

    what if you don’t want the girl? what if you want all the girls, to fix you sandwiches, and be sand-witches, so they can fly on brooms?

    i think it’s in Leviticus.

  4. Ernie says:

    That picture is frightening. 🙂

  5. rob says:

    Hey Sharideth thanks for having a guy guest post so I could comment, cause I notice no chicks have commented yet. Somehow, Ben I think you missed the one about “have the butler else ask for you” like how Issac had his dad send a match-maker to find him the perfect girl.

    You could make some thing funny out of that I’m sure. Fun post.

  6. Tony Jacobs says:

    Loved it. i’ll let you know how i fair on your recommends.

  7. Jamie says:

    I think “two wives” normally does not equate “worked so well.” At least from an estrogen perspective. My thoughts are…
    #1: Awake is always better. Unless you’re annoying when conscious.
    #2: Honesty is relative. I don’t want a liar but I do want a guy who’s not afraid to wrap in “pretty” on occasion. So a guy who has a way with words is gold.
    #3: If you’ve dated your cousin, then you’re not dating me. And I’m from Alabama.
    #4: Yes, please.

  8. reneamac says:

    Go to Sleep also worked quite well for Boaz. When you get to the book of Ruth, be sure to add 1b) Get Drunk and Go to Sleep.

  9. oh my gosh! this was hilarious. nice work!!!

    (and that picture!) 🙂

  10. […] it should not be confused with the post 4 Things Genesis Taught Me About Getting the Girl that Ben Emerson wrote as guest post here.  go ahead and read that one to compare notes […]

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