edited for length…
My boyfriend and I are in a committed relationship. I thought it was going well. A couple of months ago he went to a party without me and I asked why he didn’t ask me to go along. He said he didn’t want me to feel awkward because his ex-girlfriend was going to be there. They’re still close and have a lot of history together, about 20 years worth. I told him it didn’t bother me that he’s still friends with her and that I’d like to meet her if she’s important to him. He apologized and said he should have taken me with him.
About a month later he went to another party for his ex-girlfriend’s sister’s birthday and lied to me about it. He said he was just going out the guys. I found out from a mutual friend. When I confronted him, he admitted that he lied and said he was sorry. He said he didn’t tell me because he felt like he needed to go since he’s still close to her family and that they might have gotten upset about him bringing another girl. I told him again that I don’t mind him being friends with her and her family, but I really don’t like that he lied to me about it. I asked again about meeting her and he said he loved me and he would just stop being her friend instead.
I am not sure what to make of all this. Am I overreacting by being upset?
Not Into Lying
no. you are not overreacting. lying about what he’s doing and who he’s doing it with is definitely something to be upset about. i’m really bothered by his solution, too. ending the friendship instead of including you in it? that seems way off to me and i suspect he’s lying again.
what i’m about to say is going to sting. i’m no good at sugar coating and i don’t think this is the time for it anyway. the ex-girlfriend and her family is a part of his life he doesn’t want you in. if he’s gone to the trouble of sneaking around to spend time with her/them, he’s not going to end it. your solution to get to know them – reasonable. his solution of ending the friendship – not reasonable. there’s some reason why he doesn’t want you near them. that he would tell you they would be upset about him bringing another girl around means there’s something more going on that he not telling you.
my initial reaction was “it’s not about the ex, it’s about the lying”. but i think it’s really both. i would ask him point blank why that part of his life is off limits to you. if he loves you like he says he does, he’ll come clean and you can work it out. if he can’t or won’t or lies again, the problem is much bigger.
in my opinion, this is serious. anytime someone is lying to cover up a part of his life that he doesn’t want you to know about, it’s a giant red flag waving atop a caution yellow pole with a flashing neon sign pointing at it.
so again, overreacting? no. absolutely not.
oh so sincerely,
i’m not sure i’ve been very helpful on this one. like a total downer. but to me, lying is serious business and has no place in a quality relationship.
here’s a blog i wrote a while back about relationship deal breakers. lying is one of the big 4.
what say you?