species

did you ever see that truly terrible movie that managed to spawn 3 sequels due to what i can only assume is men’s fascination with a giant blond alien hybrid trying to mate with them?  no?  well somebody’s lying because Species wouldn’t have become the 4 movie franchise it is if nobody saw it.

i saw it.

on cable.

like 12 years later.

but i saw it.

our most recent addition to the Glossary of Girls is that girl.  totally hot uber babe on the outside, raging homicidal alien on the inside.

i shall call her Species: the hybrid of horrible.

take all the bad things about every girl i’ve listed so far, mix them up in a batter of emotional decay and bake it up into cake that is greater than the sum of its parts.  slap on some fondant and icing roses and boom!  beautiful murderess.

there is nothing redeeming about her besides her looks.  she’s selfish, she’s hostile, she’s vapid, she’s arrogant, she’s a gold-digger, she’s dissatisfied, she thinks the world owes her for being so awesome, she parks in handi-capped spaces, she feels powerful by making others feel small, she has tentacles that grow out of her back.  okay, the handi-capped parking might be a bit far…

she’s a murderer of self-esteem.  you know how the Dementors in Harry Potter suck the life out of those they can catch?  yeah, she’s like that.

am i dropping movie references like pterodactyl poo?  hecks yeah!

there is good news though.

this girl, in her purest form, is rare.  someone this absolutely self-absorbed is unusual and generally can only be found on reality TV shows that begin with Real House Wives of… or masquerading as waitresses actresses/models in LA.

the bad news?

she’s out there, in mass, to varying degrees.  she might be funny, she might be intelligent, she might be charming, but just below the attractive surface is a viciousness that rivals polar bears (aka the only mammal that will hunt a man).

watch for:

  • condescension – towards others at first.  she’ll come after you eventually.
  • values her purse more than people – people are expendable but Louis Vuitton is forever.  just ask her.
  • quick to anger, quick to speak – someone getting to a parking spot (handi-capped or otherwise) before she does could result in a volcanic meltdown.
  • nothing is ever her fault – e.v.e.r.  the rest of humanity is busted and she is always a victim of everyone else’s stupidity.
  • it is her right to inconvenience everyone – but god help the poor soul that makes her wait for anything.
  • she’ll offend you and you’ll somehow find yourself apologizing for it.

my recommendation for dealing with her?

RUN, FORREST! RUN!.

ever experienced a girl like this?

what’s the most selfish thing you’ve ever seen from a person (male or female)?

how was your Easter?  Passover?

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12 comments on “species

  1. educlaytion says:

    Probably not safe for me to say much here. Well, good post counts. Also, I just yesterday heard the word fondant for the first time. Then I ate some. True story.

  2. G Fresh says:

    The most selfish thing I’ve ever seen happened about 7 or 8 years ago. A lesbian acquaintance of mine pretended to go straight so she could seduce another acquaintance of mine (a dude who’d had a mad crush on her for a long time) so that he would get her pregnant. After she succeeded, she went back to her partner with whom she proceeded to raise the baby which apparently had been the plan all along. He of course still had to pay child support.

    Granted, I heard all of this second hand, but as I know everyone involved, I tend to think this is pretty accurately what happened.

    My Easter was good. A lot of friends and food. Even a smidge (many, many handfuls of Jelly Belly jelly beans) of candy.

  3. Jenn says:

    I know this type of woman exists because I deal with them on a daily basis. They are often unfortunately mothers who are passing on their the world owes me persona’s to their children.

    I think the biggest red flag in the cocktail of horribleness that you have listed is that she perceives herself as better. There is no compassion/empathy/understanding/caution/peace/humility etc. She is void of those things.

  4. David Robbins says:

    I dated this girl once. And then I decapitated her so hard. Because she was an actual alien.

  5. How did you meet my ex-sister-in-law?

    Dang, you nailed it to a T!

  6. Daddy always told me, pretty don’t trump crazy. Even if she’s real pretty.

  7. Tony Alicea says:

    I’ve experienced way too many girls here. To your first point, you nailed it. PROTIP: No matter how she comes across to you at first, if she’s not nice to the waiter, she’s not really a nice person.

  8. dominic says:

    Two things:

    1. You forgot to add the Species to the master glossary of girls.

    2. Your comment form auto-erased when I was trying to fill in my name down there
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  9. […] friend’s girlfriend is a monster.  i’m almost positive she’s that chick from Species.  but right now, she’s looking pretty […]

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