who do you listen to?

i have no idea what this means.....

you are luckier than the majority of the people who have ever lived since Adam woke up in the dirt. why?  because you have me and my rampant humility to help you navigate the fuster cluck that is the man/woman social interaction.  however, until my blog is translated into every known language and read by every one on the planet, we will, sadly, not have world peace.  who’s to say Kim Jong Il isn’t just heart broken over being dumped by “The One” or that Qaddafi is in a loveless marriage and really, really grumpy about everyone spelling his name wrong all the time….

see what i mean?

lucky.

many people get their relationship advice from other sources besides me.  i know, i know.  i don’t understand it either.  but some of those other sources are quality, with a wisdomatic* sense of what is healthy and beneficial.  others….not so much.

here’s my breakdown of where you shouldn’t go to get advice on your dating life/marriage:

  1. busted friends – if you have a friend who is routinely in horrible relationships and makes bad choices, don’t ask for advice from that quarter.  seems obvious, i know.  however, we’re human and we want to whine to people who will tell us we’re right and our partner is the spawn of satan when we’re upset.  don’t go there.  it will only generate more drama and you will accomplish nothing when it comes to resolution.  a friend of mine would always go to her best friend, who had been divorced 5 times, for marriage advice.  not smart.
  2. internet – nothing like the ever so reliable Wikipedia to tell you when to end it.  i’m going to let you in on a secret, not everything on the internet is true.  take a moment to gasp.  the other pit fall of the interwebz is that you don’t have to spend much time googling before you find the exact answer you want.  but it’s probably not the answer you need.  do i acknowledge the irony of this one?  no.  maybe.  okay, yes.
  3. parents – okay, okay!  calm down and hear me out.  that goes for you too Joy Eggerichs.  if you have parents that are in a healthy marriage and you are still in the dating phase of life, by all means, talk to them.  they know more than you do and would be an excellent resource.  BUT if you are married, you need to tread very carefully if you go to your parents for advice on problems.  you have to be able to own at least as much of the responsibility for the issues as you are laying on your spouse.  otherwise you are going to cause a rift between said spouse and your parents that will take much longer to fix than the problem itself.  in a pistachio shell….do not talk bad about your spouse to your parents.  i.  cannot.  stress.  this.  enough.  UNLESS…you are actually being abused.  then for god sake, tell everyone.

but wait!  there’s more!

there are some resources for you that actually are helpful.

  1. professional – there are people who have spent a lot of time learning how to help others with their problems.  they have a degree/s and everything.  they are are also objective and will call you out on your own crap that is contributing to the issues.  you need this.  if you’re married, you need the objectivity.  if you’re dating, you need someone to help you understand why you keep picking commitment phobes, abusers, Jersey Shore cast members, etc….
  2. pastor – professional + spiritual = pastor.  this is therapy with the added bonus of biblical wisdom.  if you’re into that sort of thing.  and i am.
  3. unbusted friends – going to friends that make good relationship choices/are in healthy marriages is an excellent option.  there is no such thing as a perfect relationship and anyone who is in a healthy one has had to work at it and has figured out how to maneuver through the rough stuff.  do not be afraid to ask them.  chances are, if they’re close friends, they already know you have issues and probably have some good thoughts ready to go.
  4. parents – i know, i know.  calm down.  again, if you’re dating, talk to them.  get their wisdom and advice.  be willing to hear them out and try to take what they say as objectively as possible.  if you are married and in an abusive relationship, make them your first place to land.  if you just want to bitch about your spouse, first of all grow up and second, leave your parents out of it.

where do you go for advice?

how’s that working out for you?

any other places to go or not go for advice?

*wisdomatic – i have a friend who thinks this is actually a word and he is the master of it.  *my eyes just rolled so hard, i hurt myself*

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8 comments on “who do you listen to?

  1. Russ Ray says:

    You are absolutely right for putting the busted friends #1. My boss is currently thinking of leaving her husband, and one of the people she’s been talking to about it here at work is a lady who is working on her 3rd divorce. Also, two of the groups on the list to listen to are the people whose opinion she is discounting.

    I don’t know all the details of her situation, and it would probably be inappropriate for me to say something, but it is difficult to watch her throw her family away talking to all these people who shouldn’t be giving her advice. I think they are in therapy, but the motivation seems to be only to validate her side and not for her to work on anything herself.

  2. Craig Alvin says:

    Who spells their name wrong? Which is it? Sharidith or Sharideth? I know what your birth certificate says.

  3. Jenn says:

    Therapist and my long term friends (regardless of how busted up they may or may not be). Why?

    1. Therapist because she knows all the complicated stuff in my past which makes my present and future all the more complicated. Sounds really criptic and not legal but it’s not – just super messy.

    2. My long term friends = 3 people of which one is a pastor, he’s just not mine, he was but he’s not now. They have known me during the mess and through the therapy and more mess – I consider them a sounding board as much as I look to them for wisdom.

    In the end my parents and I do not discuss my dating life because my parents have been my children for my teenage and early adult years. Yes you read that sentence right. I was the primary care giver for my parents – cook, organizer, raiser of my brother,fight solver etc so now that I am free of their sh*t I don’t plan on sharing mine. They lost out on that priviledge. That and my dad is working on his 3rd marriage…

  4. I tend to make my own dating advice. And, since I have done so very little of it, I know it’s not tainted with bad experience. That makes sense, right?

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