you, i like. i really appreciate your wit.
question for you:
should my lack of means keep me from asking my lady to marry me?
i’m certain about her, but my certainty is clouded by my uncertainty to provide. cost cutting has been the focus at work. and they are supposed to be cutting around 25% of our staff in the next few months. this creates a ton of apprehension. i’ve actually moved back home with mom (feel free to make fun). and she lives with her parents, too. it’s an annoying situation. if we were to get married, there’s no way that we would live with family. but not sure how we would make it on our own. i guess i’m a coward, but at least i’m praying about it.
your thoughts? please.
blessed but broke
dear blessed but broke,
thank you for the compliment. check is in the mail.
let me ominously start by saying that i’m probably the last person you should be asking this particular question. my opinion tends to fly in the face of those who are wiser than i. that being said, here are my thoughts in list form:
- well played – congratulations on finding her. now let’s try to figure out what to do with her.
- statically speaking – money issues cause more divorces than any other single cause. i have a theory about that though. i believe it’s the lack of communication about money that causes the problems. being completely open about finances and how to manage them is the easiest way to stay on the same page financially and emotionally.
- expectations – what are hers? what are yours? is she going to continue to work after you have kids? does she want to?
- spell it out – crunch the numbers and do it on paper. pool your bills and come up with a base-line number of what it will take to support yourselves every month. include all debt as though you both now own it. because once you’re married, you will.
- have some grace – one or the other of you may have made some bad financial choices prior to meeting each other (or even after). it happens. talk about it. figure out how to fix it and how to avoid it again. i hear Dave Ramsey has a thing or two to say about this that might help.
- there’s no hurry – waiting to hit your knee until after you know if you get to keep your job, is probably best.
i know a guy who was engaged to a friend of mine. he promptly broke off the engagement when he found out her credit score. oh yes. that totally happened. different priorities and whatnot. it really was for the best. a match they were not.
my brother makes plenty of money. he’s been divorced twice.
craig and i made virtually no money for a very long time and have been married 18 years. mostly happily. i went through a phase but that’s a blog for another time and it had nothing to do with money.
i really believe it’s about your personal commitment level to doing whatever is in the best interest of keeping a healthy marriage going.
however, if the two of you are not making enough to live on your own or your job is in such a precarious position, it’s probably best to get that stabilised first.
here’s where i get myself in trouble with the financial gurus….
i don’t think you have to have every financial waterfowl in a neat little row before starting out life with the one you’ve chosen. i do believe you have to be working together toward the same goals. financial or otherwise.
honestly, if money problems is the worst thing craig and i ever have to face….i’m okay with that.
start with stabilising the job and getting a roof over your head that doesn’t include your parents. if you can’t move out until you are married so that your combined resources can make that go, so be it. it can be done.
what i don’t want you to do, is make decisions out of fear. think it through, look at the numbers and come up with a plan. do it together. you’ll be surprised how motivated she gets when she knows a ring is involved.
and again, congratulations!
oh so sincerely,
okay my lovely readers. let me have it. what do you think?