“i was just looking…”

over the weekend, Carlos Whittaker wrote a post offering his version of relationship advice.  it was a great list.  full of fun and flying objects.  i might’ve made a suggestion in the comments…

anyway, one point got me thinking.  what?  it does happen on occasion.  shut up.  it was about noticing and being noticed by some sexy thing when you’re in a marriage/relationship.  which also happens on occasion.  this same subject comes up a lot in my conversations with people, so let’s have a chat about it, shall we?

here’s some facts for y’all about that.  i’ll address them to guys even though this is definitely a two way street.  that just helps me keep my pronouns straight.

  1. it is not a crime to feel a bit like a rock star when some hottie notices you. – it’s okay to own it.  grin.  take the stroke and move on.  dwelling on it or going out of your way to make it happen is what you need to avoid.
  2. you are going find someone else attractive – it IS going to happen.  no matter how much you love your most squeezable one, you are not immune to the charms of others.  those flutters feel great but acting on it is what will get you into trouble.  give God a mental high five for getting that one so right and start mackin’ on your honey.
  3. talking about it is good. – it’s great even.  having open communication about liking the ego stroke of being leered at and/or your appreciation for someone else’s good looks is healthy.  it’s when you stop talking about it that it gets worrisome.
  4. being proud of your girl’s attractiveness is all right, too. – why not?  you got to marry her.  own it.  someone noticing her base hottness is no more threatening than you noticing someone is good looking as you’re walking through TGI Friday’s.  as long as you keep walking…

a friend of mine was raised in a culture where, as a man, you are suppose to defend your woman to the point of violence if necessary.  he took that to mean, if a guy looked at his wife for more than a nanosecond, he was suppose to intervene and crack the guy’s skull with a chair.  he could not get his head around why Craig would just smile and lean when a guy hit on me.

one night when we were all out together, Craig grabbed our friend and said, “Watch.”

i was ordering a drink at the bar and a guy came up to talk to me.  he offered to buy me a drink and i said, “that would be awesome.  one less my husband has to pay for.”  the guy said, “husband?” and i said, “yep” and pointed to Craig.  Craig smiled and waved and the guy walked away laughing.

our friend was in shock.  Craig and i spent some time explaining to him that his wife is fully capable of doing the exact same thing for herself.  maybe even more so than i am.  she’s kind of a bad@$$.

so began his road to recovery.

Craig and i also tell each other every time we notice someone attractive or someone notices us.  it’s really just about trust.  and don’t try to pull that, “i trust her, it’s other guys i don’t trust.”  bull.  you’re insecurity stems from your fear that another guy could turn her away from you.  that’s a decision she makes, not some random dude in a raglan-sleeved t-shirt.  just make sure you are both on the same page as far as boundaries.

an easy way to process these situations is to make it a joke between the two of you.  take the sting and fear out of it, by diminishing its effect.  keeping it out in the open makes it so you are not able to hold it to yourself and obsess over the secret.  doing that undermines even the strongest of relationships and instead of being a stand up guy, you become a destroyer of worlds.  if you do find yourself all worked up, go home and grab your wife.  you heard me.

biology is good.  it’s natural and can even be a heckuva lot of fun.  all those flutters and giddy feelings…but it should never be allowed to define your morality.  master it, make fun of it, make it part of your relationship instead of some shameful “thing” that causes tension.

okay guys.  what say you?  am i nuts?  do you relate?  how do you handle the attraction of other females?

girls?  how do you handle it?

give me a favorite story about getting hit on.

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7 comments on ““i was just looking…”

  1. Jenn says:

    Sharideth, I think you’re completely right, we all like having someone new acknowledge our attractiveness, the question is how do you handle it, and your suggestions are healthy and appropriate.

    Talk about it, for goodness sake. From personal experience I cannot stress that more – especially while you’re dating. It not only sets a positive pattern if you continue on into marriage but it also determines for you where the person is at with their jealousy level.

    If the guy explodes at the idea never mind the witnessing of another man acknowledging your attractiveness then you might have a problem. My crazy ex was like this – my current bf is different. He knows that my barista boy likes me, a lot, and but he also knows that I keep the boundry of friends. BB might give me free coffee, but he knows there is a bf and it isn’t him and no amount of free double tall vanilla soy lattes and small talk is going to change that.

  2. i think that you are right. i dont think a little harmless flirting matters, and its quite healthy. as long as youre taking him home!!

  3. Posky says:

    My favorite thing in the world was when someone would tell my and one of my girlfriend’s “You are an attractive couple.” A few times it got creepy (which I secretly liked better) but usually it’s just nice to be reminded that you’re not ugly.

    The advice you gave is great. Keeping feelings, even “forbidden” ones to yourself doesn’t seem like a good idea. I also don’t mind when someone comes onto my other, provided they don’t run off together. Any man who blows up after her wife, girlfriend or date gets hit on isn’t much of a man. If someone went and grabbed an ass, that person might be eating through a tube. But there is no reason to get even a little uppity when someone simply expresses an interest in her. She should be flattered and so should her date.

  4. I have a tendency to think i’m only getting hit on when I’m not, and to be completely oblivious when I am. I doubt this will change when I get married; I’m pretty sure I’ll only be able to marry a woman who can tell me straight up that she’s into me.

    So my question for you: How do I know when I’m actually getting hit on?

    • Amanda says:

      Hair twirling, giggling, only talking directly to you (she isn’t looking around), her body is positioned towards you, she finds excuses to make physical contact. She might look from your eye to eye to mouth (in a triangle…this is natural, don’t try to do it because it’ll seem weird and rehearsed). If you take a drink, she might do the same, kind of mirroring you (this is also something that happens naturally if you’re both into each other…it’s nutty). If she compliments you or makes any suggestion of hanging out at a later date, that’s a huge hint. I read too many body language books. Aaaand I am a pro flirter when I need to be.

      Anyone else want to add to that list?

      • Jenn says:

        You’ve got it – it will be obvious and if it isn’t she will keep going until it’s freakishly obvious if she’s really interested.

  5. I think this issue will only get more important as time progresses. Even a wedding band is not the red flag it used to be, and sometimes just seems to be honey to the bees. And it’s harder and harder not to notice other women, speaking as a male, when more and more of them are wearing less and less in public every year.

    Side tip: if you feel the need to tug at the hem of your skirt when sitting down, your skirt is too short.

    My most amusing case of getting hit on was the girl who sat down beside me with her cigarette while I was sitting on one of the benches in a mall. She was a pretty girl, but I was mildly allergic to cigarette smoke, so choking to death was not conducive to romantic feelings on my part. 😉 She left shortly after she asked what I was doing and I told her I was waiting on my parents. A little later, as we were leaving after the parents finished shopping, I heard her making fun of me to her friends “leaving with his mommy and daddy”. But I shrugged it off as I knew it was just covering up for having struck out.

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