according to Men’s Health…part 1

make sure you read the title of this blog in Ron Burgundy’s voice.  the article* i’m referencing is called 50 Things Women Wish Men Knew.  i’ve cut some things out because they have to do with the mechanics of sex and i’m not that kind of girl this isn’t that kind of blog.  i’m pretty sure they found a rabid pack of female extras from Bordello of Blood to come up with this list.

this is the first half.  it’s too much to process in a single blog.

let’s break it down, shall we?

  1. Saying “I love you” immediately before, during, or following sex doesn’t count. – it doesn’t?  then you are married to the wrong person or shouldn’t be having sex.
  2. Real men drive stick shift. – okay, i kind of like this one, but the truth is, plenty of real men enjoy the convenience of an automatic transmission.
  3. I will leave if you lie. – aside from being profoundly vague, this, in itself, is a lie.  just wait until a little further down the list.
  4. You are cute in raglan-sleeved T-shirts (two-toned baseball undershirts). – this….is totally true.  nailed it.
  5. I love it when you hug me from behind and whisper in my ear. – i suppose this is true for a lot of girls.  do that to me and you’re liable to end up on the flat of your back with my heel in your throat.  i’m a little jumpy.
  6. “Fine” is never an appropriate response when I ask you how I look. – yes it is, you compliment digger.
  7. Most of the time when I fantasize, it’s about you. – what happens with Colin Farrell in the subconscious, stays in the subconscious.
  8. I’m terrified of becoming my mother, even though I admire her. – this is true more often than not.  results may vary.
  9. I get turned on simply seeing that I have an e-mail from you. – i don’t know what kind of emails these girls are getting, but the ones i get from Craig consist of forwarded Craig’s List ads and client contact information.
  10. I expect you to call me. – oh yeah, and why is that?  when is that?  is it just to sit on the other end of the phone and listen to you sigh?  please.
  11. Only rock stars are allowed to wear leather pants. – now this i can get behind.
  12. I’m scared of losing my independence. – if that’s what you’re afraid of, then you need to evaluate whether or not you had it in the first place.
  13. I’m more forgiving of you than I really should be. – see #3.
  14. You did something bad. I seem cool with it. I’m not. – then don’t pretend like you are, you passive aggressive cow.
  15. If I’m not having sex with you, I’m . . . a.) . . . having a fat day. b.) . . . not feeling “connected” to you. c.) . . . blackmailing you to get something I want. – this would require an entire blog (that i may or may not write) to cover what is wrong with it.
  16. Shoes determine whether you’re fashionable or not. – ummm, yeah.  okay.  that is true.  sorry.
  17. I own a Debbie Gibson CD, and I’m not afraid to use it. – now that’s just funny, i don’t care who you are.  and totally true.
  18. When I compare my flabby tummy to a kangaroo pouch, say nothing. – this is good advice, but it’s also a lie.  she wants you to deny it.  emphatically.
  19. A man I love plans the occasional fancy-schmancy dress-up date and impromptu weekend getaways, and he buys my favorite candy in advance when we’re just going to the movies. – this is good.  not required, but good.
  20. You look hot in hooded clothing items. – i had to think about this one.  my instinct was to roll my eyes, but as i thought about it…yes.  yes, you do.
  21. You should never tell me what to do. – get over yourself.  of course he should.  but only when you really need to hear it.

all right.  that’s 21 of the first 25.  the other 4 i wouldn’t touch with Charlie Sheen’s arm.

girls.  drop some knowledge.  what would you like guys to know?

guys.  any surprises here?


38 comments on “according to Men’s Health…part 1

  1. Matt Gates says:

    Sucks about the shoes thing. I can’t remember the last time I spent more than $30 on a pair and that was for some Converse. Typical clothes for me; jeans, t-shirt, black hoodie, black Converse (or sometimes my gray hoodie and gray Converse)—yay or nay? I guess I really don’t care what I wear as long as I’m comfortable and don’t look like a complete slob.

    Also, I miss driving a stick shift. So fun.

    • Jennifer C. says:

      That all seems fine to me. Just don’t look (or smell) like you haven’t bathed in weeks, and we’re good.

      I tend to not mind so much about expensive shoes that make your feet hurt. I think it’s more of a, “Hey, I care enough to wear shoes that don’t have holes in the toes and that match my style and that aren’t clown shoes.”

    • Knox says:

      I’m so intimidated by this too. I’ve worn a pair of New Balances for 10 years now. That MEANS something. I’m loyal!

    • footwear does have to be expensive to be stylish. craig is fond of finding shoes in thrift stores. he likes the idea that some old dead guy wore them first.

      • Matt Gates says:

        The jacket I’m wearing in my avatar I got from the Goodwill for $10. It even has leather patches on the elbows so you know it’s gotta be good. 😀

        Finding thrift footwear that fit is difficult for me as I have really short, but really wide feet. I did find one nice pair of leather Rockports at the same Goodwill I got the jacket at that almost fit, but are an inch too long. I have to stuff the toes with tissue so my feet don’t slide around too much in them, but they look pretty good I think.

        • Jenn says:

          I think the shoes are really important. Why? They in say if you understand you’re an adult and within that have a sense of style.

          I have seen adult men wearing ratty dress shoes with expensive suits and vice versa, very expensive shoes with casual clothes – the last in NYC’s financial district. You don’t need to have a lot of shoes, you don’t need to spend a lot of money, you just need to know the basics. Runners, dress and casual/dress. Consider yourselves lucky men I own 7 pairs of black heels – all for their own purpose.

      • that was suppose to say “doesn’t”. i hate being functionally illiterate.

  2. Jennifer C. says:

    Your comment on #5 is hilarious and totally true for me, too. I am VERY ticklish, so you might get an elbow in the gut if you do this.

    It may just be the freak in me, but if you have a surprise for me, please don’t ask me to close my eyes and hold out my hand or whatever. I get really nervous when this happens. … Do I need therapy?

  3. kristinherdy says:

    It’s Rodeo season in Houston, so, I feel the need to add:
    If your boots are polished, your shirt laundered and your belt shiny, you’re not a cowboy – stop it.

    I smile at babies because they are cute, not because I want another one right now.

  4. Knox says:

    *You did something bad. I seem cool with it. I’m not.* – then don’t pretend like you are, you passive aggressive cow.

    Boom. Killed it.

  5. Matt says:

    OK, so good shoes and a raglan-sleeved tshirt with a hood. Got it.

    And as far as the comment above about clown shoes– I have a size 15 foot. Sorry you don’t like the way that looks

  6. Tyler says:

    If I had a dollar for every time a girl asked me if she had a Kangaroo pouch, I’d have that much money.

    Baseball shirt and a hoodie. So you gals aren’t fans of people who wear badmitton outfits? Dang it if I can’t find the right sport to support.

  7. bryan a says:

    i support anything that involves me reading in a Ron Burgundy voice.

  8. brilliant post. you are so right, but men listen to this stuff!!

  9. jessi says:

    Jewlery besides a wedding ring is not a permanent attachment to my body. It will aggravate my delicate skin. Do not see my removal of said jewlery as a sign of breaking up with you. It is pretty and I will wear again.

  10. Jenn says:

    You are right with 21 – it’s not that you should be dictated by your partner – but you should be willing to listen to his advice and if you believe that what he says isn’t worth listening too, then that is a whole other issue.

    I noticed a lot of these things seem to indicate that relationships are games – that sex is a tool to get what you want and that it’s all about what you don’t say than what you do say to your partner. Since when did a healthy relationship function like this?

  11. Hayley says:

    During the pursuit..

     Don’t flirt with me by poking me on facebook. I don’t know any men who actually do this, but just in case they do, I want to make sure I have done my part to stop it.

     I will read your text messages to my friends. You have been warned.

  12. Amanda says:

    9: Oh I’m sorry, what now?
    11: And my friend Jamie.
    16: I’m intimidated by guys who have nicer shoes that me. Let’s not go overboard with this one.

    Dudes should also know that girls poop. Girls also talk. Sometimes girls talk about poop. It’s not weird, it’s the truth. Just putting that out there.

    • Jenn says:

      I don’t know about 9 either, unless 9 involves discussion of all my errands being done, a gourmet GF/DF meal, cleaned house, and some handsome man-servant being ready to massage my tired feet and sore back… if it’s that kind of email, then I completely understand that.

      And yes surprisngly we do do the things that Amanda notes, we also talk about all sorts of other bodily functions…

  13. Jodi says:

    #5: Personally, I love the back hug. And if done properly, will lead to “other things”.

    #10: I don’t expect you to call, but would it kill you to take 5 seconds to answer a text? Especially the ones that really NEED to be answered. Like “what time am I supposed to pick up the kid?” Info like that would be very handy.

    #15: If I’m not having sex with you… take my temperature, there is obviously something wrong here.

    #17: I do not own a Debbie Gibson CD, but I do own a Partridge Family Album.

    #19: A dress-up date?!?! Total WIN!!! Throw in a resturant that DOESN’T have a kids menu and I will worship the ground you walk on!

  14. […] Mar in case you missed it, the first 21 of 25 things women want you to know according to Men’s Health was yesterday and you should be reading at least the title of this […]

  15. […] May so i did a 2-part series called “according to Men’s Health” here and here.  the conclusion to my break down, Men’s Health is stupid.  here’s another […]

  16. Tony says:

    I literally googled “Men’s Health is Stupid” after reading only two articles and seeing both of them had serious health issues in them that were completely false. This is a bit less fun to poke than your blog, but this is hilarious.

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