Poison Ivy

you’ve heard of the green-eyed monster, yeah?  well, this girl is the Poison Ivy of relationships. i don’t care if she is as hot as Uma Thurman.  her jealousy runs so deep, you’d need equipment not invented yet to find the bottom.  you know those deep sea documentaries where they find weird and terrifying creatures in the abyss that have glowing things sticking off their head to lure unsuspecting fish into their freakish jaws of doom?

she’s like that.

it’s hard to see the danger until it’s too late.

she’ll appear perfectly normal.  strong and confident even.  but she’s not any of those things.

here’s what you’ll find:

1.  the cut off – let’s say another girl tries to talk to you.  and by other girl i mean long time friend, sister, mother, aunt, etc.  (you’re grandmother might be safe…)  she will cut in on the conversation.  then one of two things will happen.  if the female in question is a girl not related to you (age and marital status are irrelevant), you will likely find yourself diverted away from her entirely.  if you share a blood relation, your jealous girlfriend will engage the female in conversation that has nothing to do with you while putting up a barricade, using her own body, between you and your hot cousin.

2.  the iPhone of mass destruction – don’t have unlimited calling and texting?  you’d better call AT&T right now.  she’s going to blow up your phone.  god help you if you happen to be somewhere other than where you said you’d be, because she’s about to go ape s#!+.  her bone deep suspicion of every other female in the history of the world is about to hit the Flowpro.  clearly if you are not at your designated location according to the nanosecond by nanosecond schedule she has for you, some tart must leading you astray.

3.  the hostile take over – anyone with female naughty bits is not to be trusted.  even her own friends.  if she suspects a girl is coming on to you, casually flirting, happens to glance in your general direction, she’s going to intervene.  and it will probably be ugly.  this girl is willing to accuse anyone with tatas of having evil motives.  the other girl will be summarily warned, belittled and sent on her trampy way.

do not, i repeat, do not make the mistake of being flattered by this behavior.  this green monster has self-esteem issues that miss insecurity has only nightmared of.  in her mind, she’s protecting you/the relationship from all who would dare to intrude.  but what she’s really doing is controlling you.  it’s disrespectful at best and stalkerish at only slightly worse.

it is very difficult to fix.  baby steps may as well be the triple jump.  the knots of history and general neuroses you have to unravel are legion.

really, all you can do is be a man of your word and know how to maintain boundaries.  boundaries between you and her and boundaries between her and every one else.  if she doesn’t get the point or becomes even more puhsycho, it’s time to bail.

so, ever had a jealous boyfriend or girlfriend?

ever been a jealous boyfriend or girlfriend?

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12 comments on “Poison Ivy

  1. Jenn says:

    I have had a jealous boyfriend/fiance, currently referred to as CEF (Crazy Ex-Fiance) amongst my friends, yes we have stopped using his name altogether. I have to completely agree it is very difficult to fix. In my experience jealousy is one of those things that is only fixed by stoping it, and to do that you really need to leaving. Yes that is messy, believe me. I thought once we were engaged they whole trying to being attached to my hip thing would calm down, it got worse – it affected my job, my friends, my family and made me incredibly anxious and angry. They will wear you down with the jealousy until you are serving their every demand. DO NOT GO THERE.

  2. Sounds to me like what you’re describing is one of the worst Jezebel spirits out there. She wants control because she doesn’t trust you to be anywhere else. The worst of these have pansyface boyfriends who simply will not do anything for themselves (they’ve long since given up trying to ask permission). It’s as bad as trying to deal with a woman who’s in an abusive relationship at that point.

  3. I used to be a jealous girlfriend, but I’ve since had that looked at and it’s better now.

  4. Mandie says:

    I had one of these, fo sho. My family and friends do not use his name, only refer to him as Douche Bag.

    Also, words in this post (and comments) that are awesome: abyss, tatas, puhsycho and pansyface.

  5. Hmmm, and I thought this post was going to be on packing skills.

    Jealousy? Is that what happens when I see another girls car at his house so I spell out my name in gasoline in his yard and “oops! I just dropped my lit match!”

  6. David Robbins says:

    You know what happens when you’re jealous, right?

    You make an ass out of Uma Thurman.

    Wait. That’s assume. Nevermind.

  7. Jon says:

    Jealousy is only fun until someone loses an eye.

  8. […] best to consult your gal pals for gift ideas. – …unless i’m a puhsycho jealous shrew, then you’re on your […]

  9. […] did write Poison Ivy already if you want to have a look at what a really jealous girl looks […]

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