high school relationships: a guest post by Tyler Tarver

Tyler Tarver teaches math.  that’s all i have to say about that.  you can see him try to do other things at TylerTarver.com, What The Jazz and follow the nonsense on Twitter.  oh and i’m guest posting at his blog, so go read that too.

As you probably already know because I’m about to tell you, my name is Tyler Tarver, and I’m a heroin addict. I just love female heroes (almost as much as I like misspelling heroine), which is why I decided to allow Smith to allow me to post over here. I know women better than anyone you know, because I am a men, and it’s part of women. You’re welcome Smith, and remember, I only accept $700 dollar bills. Checks in the male, or mail, whatever.

As an older, wiser 25 year old teacher, my knowledge and understanding of life and it’s intricacies spews from my face like vomit in Stand by Me. Students are always seeking my sage advice, like: When is our homework due? Why haven’t you graded my late work yet? Are you married, cause you look gay?

So, occasionally, I will toss out some freebies. Not to be confused with tossing out frisbees, which I have done in class and hit a girl in the face. True Story. One of the freebies I have given on more than one occasion (which would be twice) is that they shouldn’t date anyone until they get to college. Why you ask? Pop Quiz!

a) Because they have a wider selection to choose from in college. It’s like reading the menu as opposed to ordering what they waiter tells you to get just because it’s the most expensive and conducive to them getting a larger tip.
b) High school relationships are merely kids pretending to act like grownups minus the self-confidence, which is a recipe for disaster prepared by a blindfolded Jessica Simpson with extra onions.
c) High school kids are stupid.
d) A, B, C, and technically D, even though, theoretically, including D would mean you’d be repeating A-D continuously because it just calls for a recollection of D, which goes back to A until it hits D again and repeats the cycle. But I digress…

Answer: D.

However, due to the undeniable fact that 98% of students abide in the Law of C (refer to previous options), they date. I, as an educator and someone who is required to stand out in the hall between classes and during meals, observes said “relationships” and is here to report to you on some common occurrences. So, buckle up little kids, take some notes, because this is the body following the longest introduction in the history of high school relationship posts. Just start. Okay.

High School Relationships

The Broken Record: Whether they’re addicted to having a boyfriend, can’t say “no”, or just can’t find their way to class by themselves, this person is the one that has a new “future spouse” every 2 weeks. Much like Mitosis, this cycle of love has some very distinct phases. Here’s the knowledge:
Phase 1: (Monday) Says yes to Boy A, now Girl’s in love.
Phase 2: (Tues-following Monday) Can be seen being walked to every class, looks longingly into eyes of her underage hallway escort, and attempts to pass notes and interdigitate hands with Boy A at every opportunity.
Phase 3: (Tues-Wed) Trouble in paradise. Girl’s cupids floating around her head begin to stop taking their vitamins. Boy A can be seen walking ahead of her while she catches up dramatically enough to win 3 daytime TV awards. Conversation ensues. My Guess: Girl: Why ever won’t you walk me darling, I heart you so much. Boy: Me give hint. You not get. Girl: But how will little ole me ever find my class, it’s only 3rd 9 weeks? Boy: You find own way. Girl: I thought you loved me? Boy: Me only love Halo 3.
Phase 4: (Thursday) Boy A has apparently cut the tie that binds the previous night, because Girl is walking slow, head down, forearms carrying Trapper Keeper into class. “Notes cannot be taken today Mr. Tarver, I just lost my true love, I am nothing, ever.”
Phase 5 (Friday) Boy B sees girl, finds her moderately attractive. She is in love once more. Cycle restarts.

The Convenience: These little relationships hold the significance of a prearranged marriage. Often, it’s because their parents are friends who hang out on the weekends. So, obviously, they should date. No doubt (starring Gwen Stefani), these couples have been encouraged to date so much that marriage comes with a fair share of land.
Other conveniences are because of class schedules. Who can honestly maintain a relationship when the only time you see each other is in the 6 minutes between classes? That’s not near enough time to find out someone’s innermost intricacies with inquiries such as: Did you watch Degrassi last night? Can your mom take us to see Never Say Never this weekend? Can I wear your Silly Band? Are you going to the game so we can sit next to each other and each talk to our best friend on the side opposite us?

The L of A: Which, in American, translates to roughly: The Lack of Options. This is usually seen in the most attractive high school couples and the least attractive high school couples. The super attractive students have to date the other ones because they are the only ones within 2 points of them on the Scale ah la Looks. The ugly kids can’t get a break either, they have to date ugly accordingly. I’m not saying this to be shallow, but it happens cause they haven’t gone to college/real-life yet so they don’t know that it’s about more than just looks. It’s about money. Calm down, I’m only kidding, but statistically it’s true.

True Loves: These are those little turds that actually do kinda work together and they stay together and blah blah blah. They’re no fun to talk about because people don’t make romantic comedies about people that are already together. These are the most dangerous of all, because if there were no relationship problems, then we have no Taylor Swift, and that’s not a world I want to live in.

What are some more relationships I forgot and/or were you in one of these?
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17 comments on “high school relationships: a guest post by Tyler Tarver

  1. Joseph says:

    There’s the “Guy decides that Girl is awesome and the he loves her, but she has a boyfriend, and so Guy waits out their relationship, then Girl decides to date Guy because he’s safe and he’s there and she knows that he’s liked her for almost 2 years, but she’s not as into the relationship as he is, or as into it as she tries to convince herself that she is.” That was one of my relationships. That was in college, though… I guess in that sense my high school stupidity didn’t wear off until later.

  2. Craig Alvin says:

    I married Sharideth and started attending college two weeks later. I’m fond of telling her that it was kinda like taking a sack lunch to a banquet.

  3. kristinherdy says:

    this was a great guest post. mostly because being an on-the-spot observer, you embroil yourself in the love life of teens and lived to tell the tale.

  4. David Robbins says:

    My Algebra teacher always hit on me and asked me to buy fake IDs for her cousin.

    I was an uglykid.

  5. The Jock Itch–A guy jock and a girl jock with an itch to date another jock, so they scratch each other’s itch. Or something like that.

  6. educlaytion says:

    What a great and disturbing breakdown Tyler. With my college peeps I never see the sig other. You have ready-made couple all around you. The kind of relationships I see are the “let’s hookup and cheat on tests together” arrangements. Not the most romantic but surely comedic.

  7. I met my true love in high school… True story, we are married. Well, I love her, and we have a kid. I think she loves me. She says so…

    • Tyler says:

      that is until the robots come and then you’ll be the first 2 to be tested.

      I’m not ever real sure what that sentence means, I just had nothing else.

  8. Jenn says:

    So let me clarify – you want to keep living in a world with Taylor Swift? I am sure she is a wonderful person but I think I’ve had enough of the poor me-ness of it all. It isn’t her fault, she knows her demographic. As such maybe it’s her demographic I have more issue with – listen ladies, the tear drops at the rate your cry will ruin your guitar, you can’t burn the pictures because they’re only on FB, though do delete, them and no he doesn’t belong with you – or more so really? you should have better taste…

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