this is the first “dear sharideth” letter i’ve received. weirdly enough, it wasn’t through this blog. i’d really like to tell you i just made this one up for some good blog material. but unfortunately i didn’t. it’s only been edited for length. and i suppose i should apologize up front for the hostile response, but i’m not really sorry. so…
Recently my ex found me on Facebook. Our relationship destroyed me. He was manipulative and took every ounce of my self esteem, but I really loved him. I knew he was bad for me, but I just couldn’t let it go. He cheated on me so many times and didn’t even bother to hide it. It was like he wanted me to know to hurt me. Once we were over, it took me years to recover.
I’ve been married for 5 years now. My husband is wonderful. He helped me find myself again and tells me all the time how much he loves me and how lucky he feels to be married to me. We have two daughters and my life is perfect. Or at least I thought so until my ex contacted me.
I’ve always believed he was my soul mate. I’ve never really gotten over him. Now he tells me that he loves me and made a mistake and wants to see me. Why does he want me now that I’m married?! What do I do? How do I handle this? I’m so confused. I’m crying all the time. I’m thinking about seeing him…
Idiette in Indiana
after reading over you email several times, i thought i would try to be sensitive to the fact that you are clearly struggling with strong emotions.
but then i decided not to do that at all.
not only is this emotional explosion completely baffling, but these are questions that have to be asked? really?
what do you do? cut him off. no facebook. no phone calls. no more moaning, wailing and gnashing of teeth. maybe hire a hit. whatever it takes to never, ever interact with him again. genius, right?
i don’t think so either.
why does he want you now? how about because he’s a disgusting pig who feels powerful knowing he can get to you. he doesn’t love you. a real man who wanted the best for you would leave you and your family alone. get over it.
how do you handle this? stop wallowing in a painful past and get back to loving your family. instead of dissolving into a pile of tears and snot, why not try getting angry at him and at yourself for causing this ridiculous situation? and for God’s sake, think long and hard about if and how to tell your husband about this. “my ex contacted me on Facebook. it spun me for a couple of days but i told him to leave me alone; that i’m married and i don’t want to hear from him.” is far more reasonable and less hurtful than “my ex contacted me on Facebook and i’ve been agonizing over leaving my family for a guy that abused me.” get my drift? something else to think about…even though i am almost always for total open communication, you might just think about keeping this nasty little bit to yourself to avoid hurting those that don’t deserve it.
while you’re at it, get some therapy. your willingness to rip your world apart at the seems for a tool who made you miserable is really, really busted. soul mates? i don’t think so.
oh so sincerely,
commentary for the rest of you:
was that harsh? you bet. i do not take lightly the destruction of a family. for any reason. i don’t think people who are clearly making horrible decisions and inviting pain into the lives of children should be petted and coddled. truth in its rawest form tends to work best at reflecting their actions back on them. for the record, she thanked me. several of her other friends were telling her things like “follow your heart” and “do what’s best for you”. i call BS.
now, if you see yourself in this scenario on any level, listen up. when you come into contact with an old flame, and are happily married or in a healthy relationship, be very careful.
today’s cyber world makes it all too easy for us to feel safe from crossing the fidelity line. “it’s only internet flirting. it’s not real.” again i call BS. if you believe yourself to be too strong to succumb, you’re not. it may only take longer than it took my friend.
no “might’ve been” is worthy of ruining the good life you’ve toiled so hard to build. if there are struggles in your marriage, that doesn’t make you special. it makes you either diligent and committed or selfish and shortsighted. it just depends on how you choose to handle it.
no hate mail please. i understand there are exceptions to my last statement. but they are few. real deal breakers can be counted on one hand. or maybe less than one if you consider this list.
long blog short, think before you IM. embrace the reality and give the online flirting flutters a big ‘ol “Talk To The Hand”.
for the married folk…what do you do to protect and insulate your marriage?
for the singles…how do you deal with former flames that weren’t good for you or broke your heart?