you’ll need Binaca for this one

so yeah.  today is my guest post over at Bryan Allain’s blog.  go ahead and click those underlined words.  i’m pretty sure it’s the best blog about guy humor vs. girl humor you’ll read in the next 12 minutes.

given the givens (i don’t know what that means…), this blog will be Clay Aiken pale in comparison.  do you have any idea how pale that it?

in fact, i have 3 blogs idea, all half written, all discarded.

we’re going awkward.  that’s right.  we.

i’m talking first kiss awkward.

you heard me.

you’ve got a story.  i’ve got a story.  my first kiss took 4 years to end.

so let’s hear it.  did you become bf and gf?  was it a one-off?  was it your idea?  good?  bad?  dead fish?  braces?

do tell.

you're doing it wrong

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8 comments on “you’ll need Binaca for this one

  1. Matt Gates says:

    I was 17, almost 18. Her name was Suzie Sharpe from Chicago. She was cute and alliterative. We met at the going away dance on the last night of Physics Camp (you heard me). I was doing my usual wallflower routine singing “One Headlight” to myself when she came up and asked me to dance. I should have suspected something was up…

    We danced for awhile—well, she danced, I did the white boy two step, and then we went outside into the warm summer night where we found a nice secluded bench and talked for awhile staring up at the stars. Caught up in the moment I asked in a whisper if I could kiss her (Captain Smooth reporting for duty).

    She said yes so I leaned in and went for it, tentatively at first as I had no idea what I was doing and then even more tentatively as I noticed she had braces and I didn’t want to get tangled up in her face.

    All in all, we had a very pleasant 10 minutes or so before I noticed that it was almost curfew. My hyper responsibility gene kicked in so I put a stop to it (to her protestations) so we wouldn’t get in trouble. I may or may not have skipped a little on the way back to my dorm.

    When I got back to my dorm (this is where the “I should have suspected something was up…” part of the story comes in) I found out through one of my camp mates who knew her that A. she was only 15 and B. she had a boyfriend in college whom she was trying to make jealous.

    Awesome.

    The next day she found me, kissed me again as everyone was leaving and promised she’d write. I didn’t say anything about what I’d found out, but I promptly lost her address as soon as she left. She actually did end up sending me a birthday card a couple weeks later, but I never wrote back.

    A few years later I did write a pretty sweet song about the whole experience called “Bittersweet Suzie” which I think there’s a live performance video of it up on my youtube if any of you want to check it out. 🙂 http://www.youtube.com/mattygfresh

  2. Mandie says:

    This is a horrible topic.

    I was in grade 7. His name was Shane. We were in my friend’s treehouse. It was so horrible that I don’t even count it as a first kiss. It was that wet. I mean bad.

    Ugh, let’s move on please.

  3. Jenn says:

    This is such a traumatic topic – I was 20 he was 21 – and I should have waited longer, much much much longer – like until I was 27 older – that “first” kiss was better.

    Back to that horrible first kiss, Richard and I were in the Chemistry Student Union together, sadly we had no real chemistry with each other despite our individual talents at creating inorganic compounds. He was on his way to Law School and I was well quite frankly going through my desperate phase – I was 20 and hadn’t been kissed – I thought my world was going to end. In the end it was awkward cold and a lot of tongue from his side. It turned out he liked to kiss like that – I do not. Relationship ended shortly there after.

  4. my first kiss was at a church youth retreat when i was in 8th grade. classic. and the guy ended up being the prom king at my high school. really not a bad way to start.

    i didn’t see him again until high school and i never knew whether he remembered kissing me or not.

    i suspect he did because when i was a junior and he was a senior, he got about 15 guys together, got down on one knee in front of me at lunch and they all sang “you lost that lovin’ feelin'” to me.

  5. kristinherdy says:

    I was 13. It was when Astroworld was still a physical place one could visit. It was rainy, all the rides shut down and there, in China, under a fake paper lantern made of concrete, my first real boyfriend went in for a kiss that lasted all of 4 seconds during which I choked on his tongue (totally wasn’t expecting that). It was beautiful, really and had all the appeal of gagging on sushi.

  6. all of mine have been in such desperate, lopsided relationships that I’m calling a mulligan on all of them. Booyah.

  7. -.- i haven’t thought about my first kiss in years since i read this… thank you so much for bringing back this grotesque memory, really i owe u (not).

    anyways, i was 13 and still in that awkward fat stage most middle schoolers go through. at that age everyone has a boy friend, even if it only last 10 minuets, so i thought well i don’t meet the attractiveness standard as most so I’ll just kiss the next boy who shows interest… it was Carl Utz. rich kid, my brother Walt’s friend, and the most hideous creature Ive ever seen (not exaggerating)… he even had braces-.- He always told me my hair looked pretty when Walt wasn’t around because he knew he would have killed him for flirting with his baby sis. I was just happy someone, a boy no less, actualy wanted to talk to me! Of course, i went with it, unknowingly. So one day he was over and him and my bro were smokin the bong in the basement like usual and Walt passed out. I came down to ask Walt sometime and Carl asked me to chill with him since. We went into the room separate of my brother and had an extremely strange covo about something stupid (keep in mind this was the first time we said more then 2 sentences to each other). Then it got quite…. and he went in for the kiss. this kiss is now known to mankind as the most horrendous disgusting first kiss ever had. his breath smelled like dead fish, his eyes were awkwardly looking straight into mine, and his tongue was down my throat with his braces on my teeth. As this was all happening, apparently my brother was standing right behind us… you can only guess what happen. He started screaming at Carl and punched him realll hard in the mouth, all while im sitting there thinking about how Ive been scared for life. We never saw him again. Ever since that day my brothers and sisters have made my life a living hell picking on me for it. Ive grown out of my ugly stage so it makes it even funnier to them that, that was my first kiss.

    worst kiss of all time. really top that. try, please because i wanna know that there are worse.

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