a few days ago, twitter handed me a gift. a blog freebe if you will. the trending topic was #imsinglebecause. #ohboyohboyohboy! this is amazing. i sorted out the “because i can’t find anyone as good as justin bieber”, of which there were dozens, and anything that used the phrase “bitches and hoes”, which cut posts down by about 87%. the following list was gathered after only about 15 minutes of reading and is unedited. the words in red aren’t by jesus, they’re by me. just in case there’s any confusion.
#imsinglebecause she wouldn’t do anything for a klondike bar – maybe she’s low-carbing.
#Imsinglebecause I’m just chillingggggg – the extra g’s really convinced me.
#imsinglebecause .u like justin beiber – i’d stay single, too.
#ImSingleBecause he lost his disability benefits =( – bummer. of course you must leave him immediately.
#imsinglebecause cause I don’t need nomore dependents – 1. we don’t want you to have any more either. 2. if you think being in a relationship is what makes dependents, somebody needs to have an immediate birds and bees talk with you.
#imsinglebecause I’m quite a handful….lol – thanks for the warning.
#imsinglebecause I can’t keep a girlfriend – does she keep escaping?
#imsinglebecause my boyfriend got a girlfriend – this makes me think “stalker”.
#imsinglebecause I’m stuck on stupid wit this one girl – time to get over that.
#imsinglebecause too many females can’t handle my sense of humor – i’m going to go out on a limb and guess that this is more your problem than theirs.
#imsinglebecause i haven’t came across a gud guy yet – i think you need to know to spell it before you can find it…
#imsinglebecause I put my money first – how’s that working out for you?
#imsinglebecause Every guy I have ever met straight up sucks. – is it just me, or does this seem really unlikely?
#imsinglebecause these girls expensive. They want me to take em on a date BEFOR we in a relationship. – how dare they!
#imsinglebecause every guy I meet got sumthin wrong wit him. No job, no car, more then one kid, live wit moms still, uneducated. – aside from the most ironic use of the word “uneducated” i’ve seen in a while, you probably need to spend some quality time with the song Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places.
#ImSingleBecause my next girl need 2 be a successful model, virgin, millionaire, poet, community advocate – Yea, Ladies yall don’t want me. – well, at least he’s honest.
#Imsinglebecause I need a balance, I need a dude that’s sweet and mean – what you need is a therapist.
#imsinglebecause I was 1000% sure he was the father…. Apparently I got my dates mixed up – call Maury. he’ll help you out.
#imsinglebecause I don’t have to hide gifts, receipts, and other purchase records in ridiculous places – somebody needs her credit cards taken away.
#imsinglebecause I am one of the most jealous people u will ever meet – maybe you can time-share a therapist with the girl who wants someone sweet and mean.
#ImSingleBecause I was a guest on the Maury show more than 13 times – i’d say this is just someone trying to be funny except i’ve actually seen an episode of Maury that validates this. which is the opposite of funny.
#ImSingleBecause I cut her bungee cord. It was a joke. She didn’t get it. – now THAT is funny.
oh man, i feel a series coming on….