good lord, i couldn’t write this stuff. okay, yes i could, but that’s not the point. this time, i didn’t have to. what i’m about to post is a real, unedited email exchange between Angela Proffitt of Elegant Weddings by Angela in my town, Nashville, TN, and a groomsman who needs a plaque made in his honor.
it came to my attention through craig, who got it from a friend named Krista Lee of Krista Lee Photography, again, here in Nashville.
if my blog ends up helping you to the alter, you’re going to need those links, so click away.
here we go:
Always A Groomsman??
Generally, the questions we receive are from the bridesmaids concerning details about the big day. In this case, we received a list of requests that would make the day smoother for this groomsman and we wanted share it with you.
Not that we have met before but I want you to know that I am a pretty popular guy and my life could be described by two movies, 27 Dresses and Good Luck Chuck. For the purpose of this e-mail I would like to focus on the 27 Dresses part and not necessarily the fact that all my exes marry the guy that they date after me. I guess that I make girls realize what they want, and apparently that isn’t me.
I just had a few questions about the wedding and also the Groomsmen/Usher Green Room requirements:
1) Why do only the girls get a hair stylist? Do you think that this Alabama Frat Boy haircut that I currently have does itself? I don’ think so. But I would be willing to trade the hairstylist for maybe a chair masseuse. I am open for other suggestions
2) What type of room will we be getting ready in and will there be a spot for my personal full length mirror? I hate getting ready in the choir room, it smells funny and quite frankly the lighting is awful.
3) What level of intoxication is acceptable before the wedding? I don’t want to go into the reception non-buzzed, this seriously could affect my game. I operate with a small buzz most of the time but since there are going to be a lot of single ladies at the reception I might need to come into this thing guns blazing. Is this going to be a problem?
4) Finally, my right side is my strong side and it always seems like I am on the left side of the stage..Can we switch sides? See point 3 regarding hot, single ladies. I need to put my best side forward
Everyone better bring their A-game.
Jeremy A. Cobb
Thank you for your input and comments Please see my response below
Well, I love both of those movies, so you must be a lovable guy!! Sounds like the perfect lady hasn’t come along yet, but I will keep my ears open for you; I am a matchmaker in my job!!
Do you have a rider that you would like to send me!!!!?
I can certainly arrange for a stylist for the guy’s Green Room; Would you like a blonde or brunette? What type of scissors or razor do you prefer? For the massage, would you like the chair or the full, lay down type table? I can arrange anything, as long as its in the budget!
I am pretty sure there is a full length mirror with large celebrity bulbs around it so the lighting shouldn’t be an issue at all! I thin there is a great guy’s room, not the typical choir room. I will be sure to bring candles and airwizard plug-ins just to be sure the smell meets your expectations!
The only requirement is that you can stand with your hands crossed, right over left, with a big smile on your face! I certainly don’t want to mess with your game This won’t be a problem as long as you don’t make comments to the single ladies during the ceremony. At the reception, if you need help, let me know and I can send them your way.
I will talk with Megan and Cody about sides as we might be able to change it up to accommodate you I certainly want you to have your best foot forward
Oh don’t worry, the Nashville Team will have their A-Game there; We are so excited about this wedding!
Looking forward to meeting you!
I will attach my rider and my contract post April 15th. Thanks for the comical response, I need that this time of year. As for the blonde or brunette, I prefer brunette. You live in Nashville, maybe you could find me a date by June 5th. Looking forward to a great weekend and to meeting the “Nashville B-Team”
Less than 24 days away I am sure that you are busy finalizing details such as seating arrangements, flowers, and other non-important details but I wanted to make sure that I gave you guys ample opportunity to meet my demands. I know that it might seem high maintenance but before you rush to judge let’s remember that dudes don’t get their hair and make-up done, we play golf, shoot guns, or drink. And these requests might seem selfish however it is important to note that a list this long is not only for my entertainment but for the enjoyment of the whole grooms party. Girls get mani-pedi’s, we get 1999 Cristal.
So here it goes in no order of importance: (This does not mean that any item on the list is excludable)
1) Tray of Chik-fil-a nuggets. Good thing this wedding is on a Saturday or we might have problems. I don’t do Yankee weddings or Sunday weddings because of this.
2) 6 bottles of Cristal. Who doesn’t enjoy great champagne with Nuggets. Rappers are right, this stuff is the truth.
3) 2 Gallons of Crown Royal. Canadians are sissies, but they know how to make whiskey. Same rule applies to Kentucky.
4) Case of Vitamin Water. If it is good enough for 50 Cent then it is good enough for me.
5) One electric three wheel mobility scooter. I saw some lady pushing shopping carts with one of these on the way back from STL and thought “Dang, that woman has the idea”
6) Flat screen television with Cable. We can’t be bootlegging off the internet. This has happened and caused undo stress.
7) La-z-Boy Recliner. Enough for the whole wedding party. Those plastic chairs in the choir room suck. I am full grown, those chairs are for sixth graders and Zach Morris
8) 4 full length mirrors with lights. I am not trying to have a bad hair day or any lint on my tux. I am ready to party and my outfit should be too.
9) One box Cuban cigars (Montecristo). I might be trying to look good, but I am going to smell awful because I am smoking these beforehand.
10) Bottle of Crest mouthwash. See above.
11) Two vases of Stargazer lilies. I send these to undeserving girls on the reg. They are pretty, I want Cody to enjoy them.
12) Sprite and RC Cola. If you have a hard time finding RC Cola let me know, I know a guy
13) Case of the Red and White. Finest Belgian lager made. Preferably no more than a week old born on date.
14) One stretch limousine, black or white, 186 inches long. Current year model. I stole this from James Brown. I don’t want to drive to the reception, my history precedes me.
15) One white lion. Mike Tyson had one and he was a bad mother. I have a deeper voice than him. I am one bad mother. No one does tax returns like I do tax returns.
I think this should suffice. And honestly I probably should get back to work. I have my performance review and I have to come up for good reasons to back up to my boss why I have been sending him emails with subject lines such “Show Me the Money”, “Pay Me”, and “Make it Rain” every day this week.
And I need more information on this brunette? I RSVP’ed for two after Megan yelled at me about wasting her 28 cents and not turning in my card. Not my fault, Duke hid it. Seriously…
Hope the Nashville B Team is okay after the flooding, I am going to check it out Thursday, on my way to my 14th wedding.
Jeremy A. Cobb
Hope you are ready for this weekend! We are gearing up for Megan and Cody’s wedding this week! In reviewing your needs, this is a pretty extensive list, and very well thought through!
Yes, all the details are to come later today with a comprehensive timeline! As you will find on the timeline, the guys are going to have lunch before the wedding, so you won’t have to worry about the stinky church room and chick fil a snacks, as you all even have time to go somewhere a little more upscale! You even have time to hit the store for some crown royal and vitamin water to mix it with. Just remember the rule-you have to stand up straight and no talking or yelling at cute single ladies in the crowd!
The store I was renting the scooters from was flooded, so can’t promise I will have that! Does anyone have iPhone that could be plugged up to the TV monitors at the church? I don’t think y’all will have alot of time though, since it will just be pictures and right into the ceremony, then onto the party/reception.
I asked the florist about the lilies and she was told Cody’s favorite flower is the orchid, so I think that is what yall are getting!
Not sure about RC cola, I sent my assistant to Walmart today, and it wasn’t there, I will have to ask Cody what’s up with that!!
Haven’t heard back from the lion man, but still workin’ on that.
I hope that you got an A+ on your performance review! You certainly deserve an A+ in creative needs and writing skills!
Thank you for RSVPing; it really does help with the final head count for the food and beverage!
We survived the flood and have everyone relocated and are ready for AR!!! Here we come!