relationship deal breaker: wifestyle

“wifestyle” is craig’s word.  i totally stole it.  we were talking about compatibility.  other people’s.  our own.  and craig being craig, came up with a new word.  it works nicely for this blog.

recently i was out with a bunch of friends for a birthday party.  my friend, the birthday boy, is kind of a big deal.  he should have a cape.  another one of our friends was allowed to come to the get together for a bit, but his girlfriend wanted to go home early and he wasn’t given a choice about coming back.  when she was done, he was done.  she’s a homebody who turns in early.  he has a life where nothing really even gets going until after 9pm.  if he didn’t go home and stay home, there would be drama.  he was clearly bummed and resentful.  not good. compatibility fail.

can a homebody and social butterfly coexist?  sure.  as long both are comfortable with letting the other person do their thing without feeling snubbed.  resentment can be a bitch.  literally.

if you are finding yourself at constant odds with your girl because of opposing lifestyles, this is a deal breaker.  feel free to correct me if i’m wrong (which i’m probably not), but if she’s thinking about this, it’s in terms of “he’ll come around after we’re married”.  you, however, being a dude, have no intentions of doing that.  ever.  which is fine.  staying you and finding a girl who digs that is not only desirable, it’s advisable.  unless of course you’re an immature slacker.  but that’s something i’ll be talking about on the girl version of this blog when i get around to it.

total rejection of the stuff that makes you the guy you are (friends, entertainment, schedule) shouldn’t be a requirement for a relationship.  if you’re in that situation, ask yourself why you’re willing to allow it.  compromise is great.  do that.  there’s nothing wrong with some give and take.  but complete abandonment of the things you enjoy is not a healthy relationship, it’s a dictatorship.   you need to find someone who accepts your lifestyle and is willing to let you stay you.  it’s all right for you to love football and lose your mind with your buddies every sunday.  what’s not all right is for you to tie yourself to someone who thinks because she’s not into it that you shouldn’t be either and causes drama.

the truth is, you do not have to find someone who is exactly like you.  how boring would that be?  craig and i can count on one hand the number of things we have in common:  faith, upbringing, children, muscle cars and shooting pool.  that’s it.  other than that, we’re built backwards.  i hate to shop; he nearly breaks out in hives if we have to pass a garage sale without stopping.  i love football; sports bore him to tears.  i dance; he’s a nazarene.  he’s quiet; i talk enough for any 3 people.  i show up early; he’s fashionably late.  he’s a musical genius; i openly admit to liking to nickelback.

my friend, athena, once said to us, “i want a relationship like yours.  you guys agree on everything.”  once we finished laughing ourselves sick, we told her that we have almost nothing in common.  she was shocked.  she had always believed that she had to find someone who was her in male form.  emotional, romantic, sensitive…

she married a cop.

and they’re stupidly happy.

it’s not about finding your doppelganger, it’s about being with someone who gets you and doesn’t need you to tow her line.  freedom is a much stronger bond than being bound and gagged.


7 comments on “relationship deal breaker: wifestyle

  1. Lizzy says:

    EXCELLENT points. Yeah, some SMALL parts of a person are going to change over time, but the big fundamentals aren’t, and if you don’t like them now, you’ll like them even less when you’re married to them and can’t ever get away from them. Good blog.

    I just found you from SCL – you commented on my reply that the girl who underpacks is looking for a guy to keep her warm… Sadly I’m at work and they expect me to… do stuff. But tonight whenI get home I’m gonna be all over reading your blog!

  2. […] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Sharideth Smith, Sharideth Smith. Sharideth Smith said: wifestyle and other made-up words today at A Woman's Guide to Women: […]

  3. Marla says:

    Well said. It’s heartbreaking to see a man in the grip of a woman like that. I can think of several I know. After years in a relationship like that, a man loses who he is just to “keep peace” and ends up not unlike an abused dog in a pound. Pathetic.

  4. Mel says:

    Sass…. You continually amaze me with this blog. You’re so dead on. A friend I had read this said “You sound like her when you’re educating people about parenting, you should do that”. She reminds me of you.

    Good job here woman. I’ll see you after Thanksgiving.

  5. Celia says:

    There wasn’t a “like” button, so I decided to leave a comment that says: “nice post. I like it.” however lame that may be. So….

    Nice Post. I like it. 🙂

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