relationship deal breaker: kids

if one of you wants kids and the other doesn’t, deal breaker.

this is not one that can not be worked through.  a friend of mine had come to a point in his relationship when it was time to swing or call the game.  the big hitch, he didn’t want kids, he already had 2 and a vasectomy.  she didn’t have any and was ready to start a family.  he was adamant.  so was she.  he and i talked for a long time and at the end of it, he knew he had to end it; to be fair to her, and to himself.  he went home to let her know his decision and 2 days later they flew to vegas and got married.  uh, what?  apparently when he told her, her response was to say something along the lines of “okay.  i don’t need to have kids.  i’d rather just be with you.”  he bought it.  here’s a secret about some women, they will say whatever you need to hear to get you on the line then think they can change your mind later.  it’s underhanded and all too common.  fast forward a year and she goes to a sperm bank without his knowledge and gets herself impregnated.

let that sink in a second.

she informed him of what she’d done and said that he could stay or leave but she was going to have a baby.  now they’re divorced.  with a kid.  long story short, she knew she was going to have a baby one way or another and figured he’d get over it.  he didn’t.  he loves his new son and tried to make the marriage work but he couldn’t get past the betrayal and deception.  can’t hardly blame him.

children are not a bargaining chip.  not before their conceived and not after.  if you are not on the same page about having kids, it’s time to walk away.  numbers are negotiable, to have or have not, isn’t.

if you meet a girl you like who already has a child/children, she is a package deal.  and when i say package, i mean you get her, her offspring and very likely, her baby daddy.  this is not necessarily a deal breaker, that will have to be your call, but here are a couple of things to consider:

1.  do you like her kids? this is huge.  if they’re great kids and you can be on board with her parenting style, super.  if they are beasts that you are pretty sure were spawned instead of born, this may be a game ender.  if she’s raising a princess, or it looks like her kids could use a heaping helping of Super Nanny, you may want to reevaluate your options.  have you ever seen an episode of Cops when they go to a domestic disturbance call and end up having the woman who’s getting abused turn on them when they go after the dude who’s beating her?  stepping in between a mother and her horrible children to try and make some peace is like that.  she won’t appreciate it.


she asks for your help, you are willing to give it and you can both present a united front where the kids are concerned.  again, this is your call.  the circumstances are different from one mom to the next.

2.  the baby daddy – if he’s in the picture, you’re going to need to know who and what he’s about.  is he a douche?  is he a swell guy?  is she still hung up on him?  is there drama?  if there is, is it something you can help her with by being the steady one she leans on?  are you strong enough for that?

the variables are many, the options are few.  kids deserve to have a happy, stable environment.  they are the innocent parties.  if you are willing and able to be a part of that environment, forever, more power to you.  if you’re not sure, there is certainly no shame in that.  it’s a lot to take in.

the easy answer is to make sure you know what you want when it comes to a family.  if you both want the same thing or close enough that a little give and a little take will get you there, beautiful.

nobody wants an unexpected announcement from a sperm bank.


2 comments on “relationship deal breaker: kids

  1. Jenn says:

    I think the picture is perfect. I just about choked on my latte this morning when I was reading your blog on the bus. I can totally how that would be a deal breaker before the “SURPRISE” never mind afterward. I just can’t imagine how she thought that was okay – goodness, it’s a bigger deal than selling the family home without your partner’s consent and you wouldn’t do that now would you? *Sigh*

    • the whole thing was pretty horrible to watch. my brother and i both tried to talk him out of being with her before they got married. women just do not decide one day that they don’t want children when they’ve always wanted them before.

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