i decided to start with miss insecurity from the glossary of girls because you are probably going to run into her more often than any of the others. her lack of self-confidence can range from mild embarrassment when given a compliment to laying out a well rehearsed laundry list of why the nice thing you said about her simply isn’t true. she comes in several shades of flushed.
when i was in college, there was a girl. we’ll call her andrea. andrea was 5’9, blonde hair, blue eyes, straight As, funny, caring, volleyball star and so heart stoppingly beautiful she brought just about every guy on campus to his knees. most of which would go ahead and propose marriage while they were down there.
andrea thought they were all joking because who would be into her?
it didn’t really matter anyway. she was already engaged. at 18 years old.
i’ll keep this simple. when she was a junior in high school, her boyfriend was a senior. he knew he had a good thing, so he proposed before he left for college. she said yes. because she loved him? sure. or at least she was pretty sure. but it was more because she believed that nobody else would ever ask. yeah, read that again.
her self-worth was so nonexistent that she couldn’t imagine anyone being attracted to her. i could go into how her father made extra special sure that she understood how she was never going to be good enough at anything ever, but that would just send me into an incoherent rant so i’ll leave it be.
long story short, she married the high school boyfriend and became a keeper. he really does love and value her. she has a handful of kids and is happy and well cared for. she’s even become feisty. she is also still breathtaking. hasn’t aged a day. i wish she’d get on with it. it makes me look bad.
for her it worked out because she found someone early who understood her quality even if she didn’t. you are going to run into girls like this fairly often.
here’s what you do when you find one you fancy:
- teach her to say “thank you” – seems simple, right? wrong. she’ll hate it. at first. do not allow her to duck her head and mumble or qualify it. a direct, look-you-in-eye, thank you. after a while, she’ll find she likes the feeling of being complimented. this will translate into other areas of her life.
- do not let her put herself down – stop her as soon as she starts. just don’t allow it. don’t be afraid to use a bit of force either. it could be good for her to know that devaluing herself upsets you. eventually she’ll look back on that and smile.
- help her understand that “no” is not a dirty word – girls who have self-esteem issues can’t say no to anyone for fear of disapproval. it’s exhausting for them. beware though. you have to be strong enough to back her up and be there when she’s crushed by the hateful reaction she gets from those who are use to taking advantage of her. if you are serious about this girl, you may even have to shield her from her own family until she’s strong enough to do it on her own.
- remind her that she is stronger than she feels – the need to remind her will start to become fewer and farther between. but for now, knowing that you believe in her will be what she needs to lean on.
well, that got serious…
if it sounds like i might know a thing or two about this girl, it’s because i was this girl. my husband pulled all those tricks on me. seems he was a little too effective because now i have enough confidence to write a blog about it and when someone pays me a compliment, i’m more likely to say, “i know, right?!”
moral of the story? miss insecurity is work. so you just have to ask yourself, “is she worth it?” the answer is probably yes. her loyalty will go from something given out of fear, to a gift she chooses to offer you. boom. win.